The Spiritual Journey of the Warrior Princess
by Laura the Mighty
Summary: Is Xena truly dead? She goes through tribulations that change her forever, teaching her to let go of control and bringing her to new levels of spiritual rebirth. Will she ever find her way back to Gabriellle? subtext, religious as well.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Xena gazed at the sunset, a sense of assuredness gripping painfully at her chest and closing up her throat. She was doing the right thing, she knew it. That didn't make this any easier. She pulled the bard closer to her. She would make good on her promise, even if it meant defying the gods. She wasn't sure how she would stay out of the afterlife or away from the karmic cycle, to stay by Gabrielle's side, but she knew no matter what she'd be there to watch over her, to wait until she could hold the bard once more, just like this, when the bard would embrace death as a friend at a ripe old age. She would make sure of that. She had to. As the last rays of the sun were cut out of the sky, an ice cold wave swept into her. She shuddered and looked at the bard.

"I love you, Gabrielle."

At first she didn't move. Then, slowly, Gabrielle steeled herself to look at Xena. But she only glanced, and seemed to see right through her, eyes unfocused.

Pain ripped through Xena, her voice came out of her strangled throat, "Gabrielle…"

But Gabrielle didn't hear.

"Xena…" she whispered. She shook her head, eyes puffy and full of tears. Then a yell swept over them, and the sound of running footsteps from behind.

"Gabrielle!" Xena yelled urgently, writhing in mid air as she tried to twist around to meet the oncoming threat. She couldn't move. But Gabrielle was already up and jumping over the fountain to meet her adversary. Her rush of wind as she swept past pulled at Xena, turning her half way around. Xena watched in horror as the skinny samurai ran, eyes blazing and deranged, long hair whipping behind him, mouth stretching in a violent scream. But the scream from Gabrielle was that of a wild animal, she snarled with complete loss of control. The two met and exchanged blows, Morimoto's sword focused and determined, Gabrielle's wild and desperate. As they circled each other Xena saw a look of savage rage on the bards face, her eyes swollen half shut with tears.

"If you will not give me the honor of a warrior's death, then by the name of Yodoshi I will take your head back to redeem myself!"

"Idiot!" Gabrielle cried, "Yodoshi is destroyed! And you deserve worse! You fraud! You… you…"

Gabrielle fought as her whole body shuddered with sobs, oblivious of the danger she was in. She couldn't win like this, she had to focus, she had to listen, and Xena had to warn her. But even as she took in a shallow breath to call out a word of caution, the earth breathed out, blowing her, like a fuzzy seed caught helplessly in the air, straight past the fight and off the mountain, into the waiting night sky.

"No! No! Gabrielle!" Xena cried, clawing desperately at the air, trying in vain to pull herself back toward her friend. But the indigo darkness swallowed her up. As the sound of the battle grew distant, Xena began to sob, her breath dragging in and out of her with more and more violence, filling her ears with her anguish.

She couldn't leave, Gabrielle needed her, she had promised, she couldn't be taken away! Time must have slipped by, for it felt like an eternity, yet her fear and her tears grew no less. A stormy grey cloud gathered around her, and she could feel her tears falling from her lidless eyes like rain as she was whipped around.

How could she have let this happen? What kind of a torment is this, to be tossed about helplessly, not knowing the fait of her friend, of her soul mate? What god would create such an afterlife and trap her here, away from her duty, her promise. It was unlike anything she could have expected, anything she could have prepared for, and yet it was all her fault. How could she have trusted Akemi. Akemi! She had made it sound so easy. She should have never taken her word for it, never have believed that her gods would let her go and follow Gabrielle without a fight. Akemi had deceived her before, how is it that she was so surprised when it all went wrong? And now. Now? Trapped in the wind, kept from the karmic cycle, kept from any afterlife, she would never see her soul mate again.

No. How could that be? She had seen their lives intertwined, time and time again. Had her decision to stay dead have such horrific consequence that she had broken her destiny? Where was Aphrodite? Where, she shuddered, was Ares?

Her soul shook with emotion. Over and over again she went over these thoughts, finding unending torment in the complete impossibility of ever finding relief. She refused to stop, not until she had found her way back to Gabrielle.

Then, for the first time, something within her broke. She couldn't do anything. With horror, the reality of her own helplessness crashed over her.

She cried out for help.

Fingers closed gently around her, and the earth pulled Xena back into its bosom. Xena shuddered as, for the first time since Mt. Fuji, she felt warmth seep back into her, filling her soul with earth, and merciful darkness swallowed her up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Xena opened her eyes, and bright sunlight flooded her sight. She felt as if she had died. Death. Memories assaulted her mind as it all came back to her; the blood, her death, Gabrielle's chalk white face and shaking voice, that terrible, terrible decision that she was forced to make. Her helplessness. She blinked away tears, then froze when she realized she had eyelids to blink. She held up her hand, and took a sharp breath when it shielded her from the sun. _She had a hand._ Hardly daring, she sat up.

Xena looked down at her familiar naked body, shivering with cold she did not feel.

It was a moment before Xena could gather herself and relax her shocked face back into a look of grim determination. She didn't have time to feel relieved. She had to find Gabrielle.

She rolled over and pushed herself up with shaking limbs. A bit too fast, as she staggered with dizziness. She bent double and breathed slow, calming breaths as she forced herself to focus. She started to feel the chill that was shaking her body. She needed to prioritize. First, some clothing. She looked around. There were bamboo shoots and a couple different kinds of trees forming a glen around her with a stream running through it.

She busied herself with cool precision. Within the creek nearby she searched its shallow depths until she found what she was looking for. She moved to a nearby boulder and brought the smooth oval stone she had found forcefully down onto a flat part of the rock, and it split perfectly in two, as she knew it would. Then, with another heavy rock she began striking the edge of one of the halves. Splinters of rock went flying as she chipped away, and without the leather needed for protection, some of it embedded itself into her. She didn't flinch, she didn't notice. She finally had a plan. Or a semblance of one at least, and she allowed herself to gain some confidence from her plotted course of action, some pleasure from the movements she made as she was finally, finally allowed to do something about things. About Gabrielle.

Xena could not have any peace until she had learned the fate of her friend. Xena would first find out where she was, and if she was close enough, she would start by picking up Gabrielle's trail in the land of the rising sun. If she was closer to Greece, she would start by going to Gabrielle's family, to where she had found Gabrielle the last time she had thought she was dead.

Xena shuddered. She realized that she was assuming that she was dead, that she had been away too long or that that samurai had killed her. But she mustn't think that way. She needed the courage to continue, and that courage would only come from faith and hope.

She held up the rude stone blade. It would do. She absent mindedly wiped her bleeding hand on her thigh, looking around again. In a few long strides she was cutting down a sapling. Barely pausing when she felled the young tree, she stripped it of its branches and cut off the thinner top. Using her blade as a wedge, she hammered it straight down the middle of the tree, cutting it cleanly in two. She removed the young bark, carefully in case she needed the fibers, unless of course she could find something better. She took a short walk and found what she was looking for. She moved over to a thicket of branches and untangled some nettle, ignoring its stinging needles. Using her blade, she scraped its fibers clean of the surrounding flesh. Setting the fibers aside, she cast about for a rough stone. Finally finding one that suited her, she sanded down the flat side of the wood she had cut until it was smooth and uniform. She tested its flexibility, and was satisfied with it. Using her blade, she made three shallow notches on each end of the piece of wood, which she had shortened to about three quarters her height. Then as dusk approached, she folded some of the fibers in half, and twisted the two ends into a cord, adding more fibers as she went. Carefully measuring its length, she tied a loop at each end, cutting off the extra. Then she fitted the loops into the notches of the bow, and drew it to her cheek tentatively. It yielded gracefully to her hands.

She sighed at the first star that had appeared. The moon was bright, but she wasn't about to stop to make shelter, or to sleep. One by one she picked up each branch she had clipped off of the tree, and examined it. Finally satisfied with one, she trimmed it down and fashioned an arrow, splicing one end and securing a single feather that she had found after much searching. She thanked the gods for the bright moon, then caught herself as anger reeled up in her at the abandonment she felt. Why did she expect Aphrodite or Ares to help her? She thought in disgust, they could barely help themselves.

Finally, Xena stepped back into the forest, bow and arrow in hand. She had considered making a spear, it would have been faster, but the woods here were so thick she doubted if she would have had room to draw back her arm for a throw. Her feet barely made a sound, but she grimaced in disgust. She seemed a little clumsier in this new body. But the deer didn't hear her. Not until the arrow had pierced its heart did it start in surprise, and even then it didn't get far. Xena put it out of its misery dispassionately, though another minute or so would have let the arrow finish it off. Xena slung the animal over her shoulders and carried it back to the river. At least she had her old strength. Though what she would have done if she hadn't she didn't know. She would have found a way. She chipped a new edge into her blade and slit the belly down the middle, emptying the deer of its innards. Working quickly, she shoved her hand under the deer's hide, skinning it with ease. She found a stick that produced a fine powder when she rolled it between her hands against a piece of wood. She used this to start a fire. While she waited for coals to form she draped the hide fur side down on a smooth log, and began scraping away a layer of the dermis with her stone blade. Once that side was sufficiently cleaned, she flipped it over and rid the other side of its hair and top layer of skin with her blade. She didn't need the hair, it would be too warm here, wherever here was.

With her hands busy making repetitive scrapes, her mind was mercilessly left to wonder over the recent occurrences. How had she gotten a body? She thought back to that horrible moment when she realized that there really was nothing she could do for herself. In that moment she had cried out for help. Who had brought her back? She thought hard but could only come up with the unusual sensation of earth bubbling and forming within her. She shook her head in confusion at this. Whoever or whatever it had been, they were bound to come back expecting something of her. But she wouldn't do it. It didn't matter how much she owed them, nothing would matter until she could find Gabrielle. The thought of her lead her further down a dark corridor she wished didn't exist.

When she was finished scraping the hide she found herself at a loss for what she ought to do next. She didn't know where to get the oil to tan the hide, and she couldn't go into civilization like she was. Not that she cared what people saw, but she wasn't about to get on the bad side of the law, and wherever she was the people would probably not respond kindly to a naked lady running through their streets, and she didn't want to scare a family by knocking at their door. Not that she was any lady, she smiled grimly to herself.

She looked around at what she had. The chunks of fat on the deer were already hardening in the cool night air. To use that she would have to keep it warm somehow so it could settle into the hide. She couldn't hold it over the fire for it would get grease burns too easily and become useless. She could wrap it around her body and give it her own heat. She shivered at the thought. There had to be another way. Her eyes fell on the head. Maybe, just maybe…

She cracked the head open with a heavy rock and extracted the brain, and placed it on the hide she had spread out on the ground. She mashed it into a smooth pulp, added a bit of water from the stream, and smeared it across the whole of the skin. If this didn't work, she'd just have to make a temporary outfit out of stiff rawhide. She rolled the skin into a bundle and set it aside for the brain to, hopefully, soak in.

Xena laid down in the grass by the fire and looked at the stars. She wasn't hungry, but she knew she should feed her body. Later. Right now she needed to think about Gabrielle. Where was she? How long had it been? Will she even forgive me, if I do ever find her? What on earth was going on? How was it that she was alive?

These questions chased each other around in her head. The one that bothered her the most is whether or not Gabrielle would forgive her. Death, she had been through before. She thought she could handle that. After all, an entire lifetime could have passed since Mt. Fuji, Xena had no way of knowing. And besides, she could always find Gabrielle in the afterlife, or in another incarnation… the daunting prospect of combing through the world for a Gabrielle-like soul overcame her for a moment, but she fought the feeling back. She would do whatever it took to get Gabrielle back, even if it meant spending the rest of her newly given life trying.

She snorted. She didn't know how much time would be allotted her in this new body, or even if the body was truly hers. After all, her body had been cremated. The thought occurred to her, what if Gabrielle had done some sort of ritual with her ashes, and that was what had brought her back? This comforted her. Not only would it mean that Gabrielle was alive, but it would also mean that she had forgiven her enough to want to bring her back. Had it just happened to have occurred at the same time she cried for help? Somehow she doubted this.

She emitted, or rather her body emitted a sleepy groan and rolled over, smacking its lips. Startled, she stared at the tall shoots of grass now in front of her. What was going on? She tried to shake herself and sit up, and slowly her body obeyed her. Apparently this body wasn't completely hers. It could sleep on its own. There must be some disconnect between the two… she shook her head. There was no understanding that. She wondered how she could even have seen with her eyes closed. Were they closed now? She touched her eye. No, definitely open. She closed them. Darkness surrounded her. She blinked uneasily. She had experienced things more unsettling, like Gabrielle's daughter… her thoughts trailed off then snapped back again. She would have to figure this out, somehow. But she didn't have any answers at the moment.

She got up, her head reeling with sleep. This was also unsettling. She couldn't remember ever feeling so tired, yet it was disembodied from her in a way that left her mind sharp and alert. Thoughtfully, Xena began preparing some of the meat. There was no sense in wasting it and though she was not hungry, she decided that if her body needed sleep then it also needed food.

She ate in complete silence. The simplicity of the meal made her ache for Gabrielle's venison. She had always found a way to make it spectacular. Just like everything else about her, her cooking had always been exceptional. She sighed. There was no use in wishing, was there? It hadn't gotten her this body, that's for sure. She wondered if she should consider crying out for a perfectly seasoned venison steak, but that would just be ridiculous. She looked to the stars, which were slowly fading.

"Oh, Gabrielle…" She didn't know what else to say. "I love you. If you're out there, I'll find you. If you aren't, I'll find you anyway." That would have to do.

She lay down to let her body get some more sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Xena walked into the bar and sat down. The brains had worked in loosening the fibers of the hide, she had been able to manipulate it until it had dried supple and soft, then had hung it over the fire stoked with rotting wood in order to set it. That way if it got wet again, it would dry soft without the extra work of manipulating it again. After the skin had been smoked, she had used ligament and bone to stitch a small top and a skirt. She had only had one hide, and hadn't wanted to run out of material so she had made the skirt a little small too. She thought she must look like a Southern Amazon, only without all the decorations and frills.

The bar she had entered was in a small town, the second she had come to. There hadn't been any bars in the first and the people had refused to even look at her. She hoped this barkeep would be more helpful.

"Where am I?" She asked bluntly.

"Excuse me?" He blinked, wiping a dirty glass.

"I know I'm somewhere in or around the land of Chin," she could tell by the language in which the people whispered around her. "But I've… lost track of where exactly. Do you have a map?"

"No, I don't." He said shortly, "But you are in the town of Chien-sha."

"Ok, let me word my question another way. Where is the closest city, and what is it called?"

The barkeep glanced around nervously. They were the only two in the room. "Chien-ning is the closest. It's three days walk north of here. Now if you'll excuse me…"

Xena gave him a curt nod which he did not return. Instead he turned quickly on his heel and pushed through the door that must have led into the kitchen. She wished she was less conspicuous, that her eyes were slanted, her skin olive colored, her outfit more traditional and less revealing. Xena breathed an inaudible sigh. She had recognized the name of the city the barkeep had given her. If it was the same one that she knew by that name, she had about 400 miles of walking ahead of her. Pain stabbed her as she found herself wishing for a horse. What had ever happened to Argo? She brushed the thought aside as she stepped out of the door. After all, Gabrielle had walked many times that distance during their time together. The bright sunlight momentarily blinded her, but she blinked away the pain, pointed her feet south-east and headed straight out of town. She didn't like the attention she was receiving. If only she had been reborn with some cash. Dinars were good anywhere you went, since they were made of solid gold. She was at a loss as to how she was going to get herself a sword, something she felt completely naked without. And her chakram… that was something that could never be satisfactorily replaced. But replace it she would, after all she had learned to rely on it, it was a part of her fighting style, of herself. Once again she found herself in a dark brooding place and forcefully she pulled herself out of it. She had to keep her head clear. She had to focus.

She had been aware of the men following her even as she had been involved in her own thoughts. Either they were as clumsy as Gabrielle was the time she had tried on Xena's big boots, or they wanted her to know she was being followed. It soon became clear that it was the latter for as they put distance between them and the town the 7-8 men, as she had gathered by the cacophony of their footsteps, began to whistle and cat call. Xena didn't slow or turn around, or give any indication she heard them at all, but kept on at a steady pace toward the Ocean.

"Come on, sweet pea, want a taste of my sword?" One jeered. Yes, she would like a sword, but she doubted that was what this man was talking about.

"Answer us, whore, or you'll get it twice as hard!" another shouted. Xena highly doubted that. A smile was slowly growing on her face as she felt the impending battle. This would be fun.

"How much?" another man jeered, "If it's not too much we just might pay!" Oh, they'd pay alright.

At this point she laughed a low, cold giggle, and shook her head. Her limbs were tingling with anticipation, and the adrenaline was starting to build. How many others had they done this to? Justice would soon be served.

"Are you laughing at us, you slut?" A pause, then the fast pattering of a pair of heavy footsteps came quickly from behind. Finally, Xena paused her feet. She kept her hands at her side and her back turned until the very last second. Then she spun around, her eyes wide and wild, and hit the man in the face with a straight-from-the-shoulder punch. The man's head jerked back but his feet kept going, and he went horizontal in midair before falling to the ground.

"Anybody else?" She asked coolly. She didn't bother to pick up the short knife that had fallen to the ground beside the unconscious and unfortunate man. Instead she smiled pleasantly and signaled with her finger for them to come closer. They had momentarily stopped dead in their tracks when she had felled their comrade, but they quickly gathered themselves and approached at a walk, snickering.

"Think you're real tough, do ya?" One asked as the remaining 7 surrounded her.

"Oh you have no idea." She shifted her weight casually and gestured at their fallen comrade. "But why ask me? I think your buddy here could explain it to you. Nice and slow too, so that you can understand." Their leader growled and drew his sword. Her eyes gleamed at the sight. This was a welcome bit of luck. The man caught the sudden glimmer of excitement and took an uneasy step back.

"You're going to pay for that one." Another of the men threatened.

"No, you know I don't think I shall. It's a pretty sword, and it's as good as mine now."

"wha-?" the leader seemed to snap out of it, and an evil grin spread on his face. "Now what good's a sword to someone with a death wish?" He eyed her up and down. "Get her, boys!"

The words were barely out of his mouth when he doubled over in pain from the blow that was dealt him, and with another punch he was sent flying backwards onto his back. He was quickly joined on the ground by three of the others, two of which had been beaten unconscious, and the last of which clutched at his side and howled in agony. The leader sat up in time to see the last four hitting the floor, unconscious. He reached for his nose and winced as he touched its broken fragments. He jumped to his feet, raising his sword hand, but it was empty. He looked at disbelief at the warrior princess, who was swinging it idly, getting a feel for it. Rage burst from him in a roar as he hurled himself at her, only to find himself colliding with the dirt once more. How could anyone be so fast? Then he was being dragged bodily to his knees, where she set him down, then struck him on the neck. Pressure began building in his head, and he began to feel the first flutter of panic.

"Like I said, nice sword." Xena said grimly. "I think it was very kind of you to give it to me."

"I didn't-" he rasped, but she cut him off.

"Oh but you did. I consider it a thank you gift for saving your life."

He spluttered, "from what?" Even as he felt his life seeping away, he couldn't control the anger he felt inside of him. He had **_never_** seen a woman behave this way.

"From me." Xena struck his neck once more, and before he could feel the dizziness disappear, she had struck him again in the jaw with a hard fist, and left him unconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Xena made her way through Chin, cutting down the occasional rag tag highway men that lived off of the misfortune of travelers. She quickly found herself longing for another battle to sooth a bloodlust that was driven by her desperate anxiety. She didn't know what she would find in the land of the rising sun and the stress of it was wearing her down. So upon these wicked souls she unleashed her wrath, her anger at the fates, the gods, and this world. During the darkest moments of the fights she had a vague sense of a loss of control, something that truly unsettled her. Not only was she concerned for any innocent victims that might get in the way of her blade, but she was concerned for herself, her sanity. She was loosely connected with her body yet she could feel her consciousness dimmed as she gave in to the moving meditation of bringing death to whoever stood in her way, between her and Gabrielle and the answers that must be hidden in the distant land of the rising sun.

She had not swapped swords with any of her attackers after her initial rescue of the first one. She hadn't been lying when she had said it was nice. Like her old sword she kept it conveniently on her back in the scabbard she had also liberated. It was made of steel, a metal whose secret of origin was kept jealously by the people of Chin. It sure beat the stuffing out of her old bronze sword, which she had to continually beat back into its proper shape with a heavy hammer. This new sword couldn't even touch her chakram, though. That was a weapon forged by someone or something that was more than even a god. As for her bow, she had discarded that long ago. It had become useless since she had strung it while still green, and had therefore dried in a permanently bent arc.

After walking a path that seemed to stretch endlessly in front of her Xena began to smell the salty humidity of the ocean. She broke into a run, came out of the forest, over some dunes and ran knee deep into the water. A single tear ran down her cheek as the salty chill ran back and forth around her legs, and she remembered the time she and Gabrielle had found themselves sitting on a cold beach in the middle of winter after singing their forgiveness of so many things. They had forgiven the deaths of their children that day, and in the euphoria of being set free from their hatred of each other, they had flung themselves back into the icy waves, playing and hugging as the salt seeped into their skin. This was the moment Xena had fully realized just how much Gabrielle was a part of her, and how no matter what, the bond that they shared could not be broken. Not even by the death of her child.

Xena shivered, though not from the cold. What had come over her that she ran with such abandonment straight into the water and the memories it brought her? She was feeling less and less herself. She had always kept complete control over herself, had always known exactly what to do, had always had a plan. Now her only plan led her into a desperate search for a needle in a hay stack. She was loosing control in fights, and she was giving herself up to such momentary passion that she ran straight into a waiting sea that promised her nothing but memories. She felt she was beginning to be a bit unhinged. Had Gabrielle had such a hold on her that without her Xena was loosing herself? Somehow, this shouldn't surprise her, but it did. It most certainly couldn't be the furies. Not only had she killed them, but if they now had replacements who were tormenting her then she wouldn't be able to self-evaluate like she was, she wouldn't feel unhinged at all, would she? And why would it affect her body and her connection to it? It wouldn't. There was something bigger going on here. As to what it was though, she was at a loss.

Xena sighed a small inaudible breath of air and turned back to the dry sand. She wasn't one to get lost in her emotions, and she let the memories go. She had more immediate things to concern herself with. Money was an issue. She hadn't allowed herself to strip the fallen highway men of their gold, though it had been tempting. If they survived her wrath, she figured they would need all the gold they had to pay for medical attention.

She let this go, too. She would find a way. She already had a few ideas of how to get to Japa without cash. She wouldn't be at the mercy of the generosity of strangers at any rate. She would work her way over there by her own means. So, as she walked along the tide line she focused all her cunning on figuring out how she had gotten a body. One by one she went through all the gods that she knew of. She made a mental list of who had what to gain by bringing her back, and who had what to lose by keeping her locked up in that cloud. Sadly, both lists were very short. Even the list of gods was short, thanks to Xena herself. Thanks to the god of Eli. This thought brought her eyebrows closer together. What did that god have to gain by bringing her back? Maybe that was it. Maybe Eli expected her to off Aphrodite or something. Fat chance of convincing her to do that. But there was a point there. The god of Eli had the power to kill other gods, if given a champion who was willing to use that power. Maybe the one god of the Israelites had a score to settle.

Well, Xena for one was not about to do a thing for any god until she had found Gabrielle. Whoever had brought her back seemed to realize this, as they had not yet made any contact with Xena. _Good_.

"I'm not one for playing games" she spoke fiercely to the wind. The sound of the waves pressed in on her, unaccompanied by the sound of her companions absent laughter. _Gabrielle._

Xena needed to find her. She redoubled her pace.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The little port town was not where she had left it however many years ago. This wasn't a problem though, as it had rebuilt itself on the other side of the small bay it overlooked.

Xena's feet were tired. The slippers she had made out of the brain tanned hide had worn through before she had even made it to the beach. The only reasonable solution of how to get from one side of the bay to the other was to swim. She sheathed her sword and tightened the scabbards strap to her chest, ran through the crashing waves and dove headlong into the water. The heavy metal of the sword tugged her down toward the ocean floor but she had always been a superb swimmer, and kept afloat without much effort. \

In no time she was at the other side, emerging slowly from the water, step by step making her way to the beach. One by one she caught the attention of the fishermen, merchants, and sailors that were busying themselves on the many boats anchored at the city port. Xena sighted one that was wearing the custom cloths for a captain from Jappa and made her way toward him, ignoring the strings of seaweed that hung from her.

"Are you in need of a sailor or a warrior." She stated it, it wasn't a question. She knew it would be hard to convince anyone to take on a woman for hire unless she scared them witless. This was something she was good at.

"Umm…" the man stammered, taking a step back, "N-no. I mean yes, I could do with one more of them both." Xena glared at him. "Or either." He added nervously.

"Good." Xena forced a small smile, "Then I'll take the job. I don't expect a large payment except a one-way trip to Jappa." Her smile vanished, and she eyed him up and down, "That it where you're headed isn't it?"

"Well, yes, how did you-?"

"Lucky guess" she paused. "Where-?"

"Oh!" The man stumbled on his own feet as he shuffled a bit to his right and pointed. "She's over there. Name's Ryuu."

"The dragon?" Xena continued in the language of Chin, "Interesting name for a ship." She pressed her lips out unhappily, remembering Gabrielle as she had lay on her stomach and received a tattoo from Akemi. Again, Xena wondered how many years had passed. She shook her head slightly to rid her of those thoughts, and met the man's questioning gaze with a challenge in her own. After a short pause he bowed.

"I am Kin. It's a pleasure to meet you, …" It looked to him as if she might have been beautiful, yet she was as fierce as if she had been born in a battle of the raging ocean, sprouted legs, and emerged from its depths to terrorize the earth. If he himself could manage her, he was sure no unfortunate pirates could board his ship.

"Xena," she said, but did not return his bow. Instead she gave him one more spiteful glance and turned to make her way toward his boat. She picked off a piece of seaweed that had entangled itself in her long black hair as she went and flung it to the side. She barely noticed the grimace of rage as it landed on a nearby sailor, but he didn't dare approach her about it. She should have been in a good mood, having just received passage to the land of the rising sun, but the anger inside her was smoldering, and it radiated from her like heat.

Xena busied herself around the ship. Although she had only ever been a captain on her first ship, she had learned her way around it very well. She had always had a drive to be the best at anything she ever did, and she wasn't discouraged easily either. This drive as well as the need to be self-proficient had propelled her to learn how to do even the sloppiest of jobs under her command, and she learned to do them well.

The sailors accepted this new arrival without question, and soon after a few short words and the decking of one of their biggest, pushiest comrades they learned to give her a wide birth.

Xena was given one of the many hammocks that hung in the common living quarters below deck. After satisfying herself with an examination (she had had enough experience with flees and moldy skin to last a lifetime) she settled down in her new bed and went to sleep.

As usual, her body dropped off almost immediately but she stayed fully conscious of the room around her. It was strange to never truly sleep, and an unwelcome side effect was the extra time she got to fester in her own mind, consumed by her own thoughts. Tonight however, as it soon became apparent, would afford her some distraction from herself, at least for a while.

"Did you see her drop Ryuichi?"

"No way. She did what?"

"She dropped him, like a sack of rice! Bam! Right in the kisser! He didn't even have time to blink!" There was a chorus of gasps and 'no way!s. Xena rolled her eyes. Apparently more men had come back from festivities on shore.

"What was he doing?" came a hissing whisper.

"Oh, you know Ryuichi, being his old pushy self. Has to direct everyone else on the ship, be the best at everything. This girl is going to really throw him for a loop."

"She's hardly a girl if she decked Ryuichi." A pause, then, "Do you think he'll try to get even?"

"Oh most definitely. I'm a little frightened for the poor girl really, he's not going to take this slight on his manhood easily, and he plays dirty when he wants to. He kept trying to sneak up on her the rest of the evening actually, but every time he'd get close she'd just turn around and stare him down. Must have ears of a bat, that one."

"Oh please, anyone could hear that stumbling idiot trying to sneak up on you. He has feet the size of seals!"

"Watch it!" one warned, as, sure enough, heavy footsteps sounded down the stairs. The room grew silent as everyone pretended to be sleeping and the heavy man climbed into his hammock. A couple of the dim-witted sailors even pretended to snore. Xena shook with silent laughter at the fake sounds, and even her sleeping form let out a snort. Ryuichi paused, but then continued to climb into bed. Apparently he didn't play that dirty. Of course, he needed to make it look like a fair fight in order to save his reputation. No, it was his ego that needed saving at this point. Xena was glad for this. She had been afraid that the trip was going to be terribly dull, but her mood was picking up with the promise of a few good fights. That is, if Ryuichi was dumb enough to pick them. He already seemed afraid of her. As he should be. Xena was dangerous without Gabrielle…

Remembering the bard, Xenas mind took her on an emotional roller coaster of past memories and future prospects the rest of the night until the next morning, when the rest of her woke naturally before the first rays of dawn. Quietly she flipped over the hammock and landed cat-like on all fours. She had overheard some of the men talking about preparations to leave tomorrow. If that was going to happen, Xena needed to finish mending the ship. It had clearly been through a pretty rough storm. So she busied herself finishing off the work she had started yesterday at the bow of the ship.

It wasn't until the sun was hovering above the horizon and the purple clouds were beginning to fade to white that the sailors began to emerge from below. Xena could smell the faint aroma of rice coming from the mess hall below and she put down her tools to go feed her body.

Xena was surprised to see the captain there, mixing with the men and eating the same thing as them. He met her gaze then quickly looked away, immersing himself in conversation. She grinned grimly in self satisfaction. She was far too on edge lately to deal with any pleasantries, but today she had a couple questions so she took her meal and sat down across from him anyway.

"Hello, Kin." The captain looked up, startled.

"Xena." He nodded a curt bow and forced himself to look at her questioningly.

"When can we be off?"

"Excited to leave?" Kin laughed, then quickly swallowed his smile. "Yes, um, we were thinking tomorrow. Is that ok?" He added quickly. She raised her eyebrows.

"You are the captain. And my pay?"

"Yes well I was thinking 5 to 10 Dinars, depending on how much you work." He flinched slightly under her icy stare.

Xena nodded. She had no way of knowing what was fair, without understanding the economy. She knew it would have fluctuated a bit with time.

"Kin, I have a question for you." Xena's heart raced, and she braced herself for the answer. "How many years has it been since Lao Ma, I mean, Lao Tzu's reign in Chin?"

Kin's eyes momentarily unfocused as he thought on her words. "I cannot say I know when a Lao Tzu ever reigned in Chin. I do not recognize the name."

"How about Ming Tien? Do you know that name?" Even Xena couldn't keep the hatred and danger out of her voice, and Kin didn't miss it.

"No." He said quickly. "I'm not sure if those men ever ruled in Chin. Then again I am not well-versed in that foreign country's history. But I do know who rules now. It's now split into Wei, Sung, and Jou-Jan empires." Kin looked hopefully into the warrior's steel blue eyes, but could read nothing there.

"Thank you, Kin." Xena picked up her food, and carried it to a corner of the mess hall to eat.

They had indeed left early the very next morning, and Xena watched the small bay disappear into the distance as the sailors went to work with a will, shiny faced and high spirited.

Ryuichi finally got the chance to pick a fight that very day. Xena was feeling antsy and was itching for a fight, so, early that morning she didn't turn around to face him off as, yet again, he tiptoed up behind her. Xena listened as his footsteps fell and his cloths rustled, and ducked at the very last second as the man swung a heavy fist at her head. Once on the floor Xena swung out a leg and took Ryuichi's feet out from under him. He landed with a heavy thud and the nearest men glanced over to see Ryuichi flat on his back. She put her hands on her hips and stared down her nose at him, her weight shifted casually to one leg.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to hit a lady?"

"You're no lady." He said, struggling to his feet. "You're a freak." There was a small audience watching them now.

"Your worst nightmare, in fact." She leered evilly at him. "But don't take my word for it. Please, try that again." She beckoned to him, swinging her sword idly. Ryuichi stole a second to look at the small crowd that had formed, then ran toward Xena with a roar. She lightly spun out of his way and slapped him on his rear with the flat of her sword. His shocked yelp was lost in the gale of laughter from the watching men. Xena guessed that this Ryuichi figure was unpopular. At any rate, his face was slowly becoming purple. He yelled again and ran at her, his arms swinging ludicrously every which way. She grabbed a hold of one arm and twisted it over her head, flipping him onto his back. His breath was forced out of him as he landed with a resounding crunch.

"What is all this?" Kin pushed a sailor aside and surveyed the scene. "What happened here?" He looked around expectantly.

"This oaf took a swing at me." Xena nudged Ryuichi with her foot as he gasped for air.

"Is this true?" Kin asked him. Ryuichi shook his head.

"She punched me out two days ago!" he protested breathily.

"Well that's a whole other story." Xena smirked.

"I will not have any fighting aboard my ship!" Kin shouted, a little too loudly. Xena scared him, but he had to take control of the situation. This was his ship, after all. "If this continues to happen, I'll …kick you off my ship!"

Xena was not going to give up complete authority though. "I beg your pardon … _sir_ … but I am not one for being a recreational punching bag. If he attacks me again, I will fight back."

Kin considered Ryuichi as he struggled to his feet, still rasping for air. "I… suppose that can't be helped then. Just try not to be so … enthusiastic about it next time. And neither of you will get away with instigating a fight. I will not tolerate it. Am I understood?"

"Clearly." Xena smiled at Ryuichi and offered her hand. "Shall we call it a truce, then?" She couldn't help but humiliate him further. He stared daggers at her but did not reply. Xena shrugged casually. "Back to work then, shall we?"

"Oh- yes! Everybody back to their posts!" Kin waved his arm at the crowd, and it dispersed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

They had been at sea for nearly a month when it happened. They saw a ship on the horizon, unmarked by any flag or banner. Kin called for them to circle around it with as wide a birth as possible, but the unknown ship came right for them. A few of the younger boys on the ship were sent below to hide, and the rest of the sailors went and got their preferred weapons. Xena had yet to find a chakram, and decided to sport a small frying pan on her hip instead, just in case. Hopefully the ship's cook would be a little more understanding than Gabrielle. This brought a bit of attention to her from the other sailors, though none dared ask her what she was doing with the cook ware. She didn't blame them. She thought she must look ridiculous, but it was the next best thing she could think of.

Before they knew it, the ship was upon them, and a well dressed captain shouted for permission to board the ship.

"Don't do it, Kin. It's a trap."

Kin looked at Xena, startled. "What do you mean? These people look like merchants."

"Then why do they want to board your sip? Why not continue on their business? Besides, I know a pirate when I see one. I used to be one."

Kin bounced uneasily on the balls of his feet. "But what if they need our help for something? Xena, I can't turn away a fellow merchant." The other captain repeated his request at the top of his lungs, and the wind brought his voice straight to them.

"Then have them dispatch a row boat, with only a few men if you must. But don't let too many on board. They're pirates Kin, I can feel it."

Kin Pondered this. Then finally, "Alright, Just a few." He called out the instructions to the other ship, and soon 5 men were climbing up from a small safety boat. Xena stared the captain down. He raised his eyebrows at the iron skillet she was sporting on her hip, then met her gaze unblinking. Finally however he had to look away to greet Kin.

His name was Samlock, and his problem, he claimed, was a low food supply and a bout of scurvy.

"Well I can't help you with the scurvy mate, but I do have a bit of extra dry meet. You're welcome to a case of it. That should get you by until the next port." Kin shook hands with Captain Samlock with a genuine smile on his face. Samlock returned his smile with grace.

"Could we join boats then, to transfer the meat? The last thing I need is more moldy food, and it's bound to get wet in that rinky dink thing we came over in."

"Sure, sure!" Kin chuckled jovially. He avoided Xena's gaze. She had her arms crossed and her lips pushed out aggressively, she wanted to make it very evident that she didn't like them.

Samlock took his men back to their ship and was soon connecting the two ships side-by-side. Samlock came over with a few men, then a few more, and before they knew it their ship Ryuu was overrun by Samlock's men. Xena stayed quietly in Kins shadow. He was getting a little fidgety now.

"So um… shall I show you where the meat is?"

"I think I can find it on my own thanks, after I've run you through of course." Even as he drew his sword Xena leaped forward and grabbed his hand, forcing the sword back into its scabbard and punched him in the face. Chaos broke out everywhere, and the clanging of steel against steel joined up with shouts and the sound of bodies hitting the floor. They were equally matched in numbers, but the pirates seemed much more gifted with their weapons.

Xena kicked a pirate in the head and he went out cold. Samlock had disappeared. She drew her sword and began cleaving her way through the fight.

"Follow me, kin! We're gonna lock you up in a closet somewhere."

"But my men!"

"You let me worry about them. But whoever survives is going to need you." She grabbed the front of his robe and forced him forward. "Lets go!"

Xena made her way through the fight in a blur of movement, leaving a wake of bodies that Kin had to step over gingerly. In no time they arrived at the Captains cabin, and Xena forced him inside.

"Now lock the door!" She slammed it shut on his face. She looked around. They were loosing terribly. She grabbed her frying pan and took aim. One, two, five heads it bounced off of before returning to her waiting hand. She hooked it back on her belt and jumped into the fray. She cut off one mans head, sliced through the kidneys of another, ran her sword through a third. Two pirates brought their swords down on her and just in the nick of time she unhooked her pan, and deflected one with the sword and the other with the pan. Its deep clang rang out, and before the note had ended both pirates were on the floor. As she had defeated all the nearby pirates she took a moment to look around for Samlock, and found him standing over a large form, his blade hovering above it. She drop kicked her sword and it landed, stuck halfway to the hilt, in the captains neck. She back flipped over to him and drew out the sword just as its victim fell to the ground. She glanced at the form and recognized it as a wide eyed and gaping mouthed Ryuichi.

It wasn't long before the remaining pirates realized their captain was dead, and when one finally spotted him on the ground he called out for a retreat. They ran like pregnant chickens back to their ship, heads stretched out, eyes bugged out, and bumping into one another as the tried not to be left on board with Xena. They hacked at the ropes that bound them to the Ryuu and sailed off, leaving their dead and wounded. Xena had jumped up onto the rail to follow them when she paused and collected herself. There was no point in slaughtering them all. She lowered herself back down onto her own deck and watched them go.

"You …saved my life." Kin had appeared at Xenas side.

"Didn't I tell you to stay put until I got you?" Her bloodlust was still coursing through her veins and she could almost taste the blood on her sword. Kin shrank back away from her.

"I- I heard the fighting stop."

"Of course. I'm sorry, Kin." She gave him a small smile. "Lets look at the damage we've got."

The pirates hadn't been able to take any goods, but the body count was heavy. About a fourth of their labor force was dead or dying, and most of the rest of them had small injuries. Except Xena, of course, who didn't have a scratch on her. The loss of men meant longer and harder hours manning the boat, at least until they could stop at a port and hire on new hands. But no one was grumbling about this. They were all simply glad to be alive. Suddenly, Xena had become their new favorite person. They still respected her need for space, and realized she needed it most right then, so they showed her their gratitude and respect by scurrying out of her way and casting her admiring glances. Except Ryuichi, who avoided her stare completely.

It went on like this for a few weeks. They were weeks during which she never had to wait in line to be fed, she got lots of peace and quiet, and somehow always ended up with the best jobs on the ship. The novelty of her help to them was finally starting to wear of when one day, while she was eating in her customary corner, someone dropped themself heavily into the chair opposite her. She glanced up, slightly annoyed. It was strange to dislike company so much, but she had become fond of being left to live in her own head, and found her thoughts merely mottled up whenever surrounded by too many people.

"I just wanted to say thank you. And… to apologize." Ryuichi cleared his throat.

"Thank you for what?" She said irritably.

"For saving my life!" He said, amazed. "I owe you… everything!" Xena shrugged.

"Just another day's work." She said casually, then paused. "But you're welcome." She went back to eating her food. She was getting tired of rice. It didn't matter what else they put in it, when you've eaten like she had with Gabrielle, everything seemed dull.

Ryuichi took the hint and left her to her food. After that Xena noticed that even as she stopped getting the better jobs, they would sometimes do themselves. It happened often enough that she couldn't write it off to their giver's miscalculation, and the puzzle didn't solve itself until one day she caught Ryuichi red handed, finishing up moping the deck; a job she herself had been given. His olive face turned slightly pink when he saw her.

"Sorry." He mumbled. "Just thought you could use a break."

"I'm perfectly capable of doing my own jobs." Her voice softened. "Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?"

"Well, I- I mean, yes and no. I only need 6 hours of sleep every day, so really I'm fine."

"Uh-huh. Why don't I pick it up from here. You don't need to thank me for anything, I've saved plenty of worthless scumbags who never showed an ounce of thanks before. I don't expect anything in return for anything. It's my code." Ryuichi flinched at the implied insult.

"I'm not a worthless scumbag, however, and therefore I expect more from myself. I will probably never be able to save your life, but there are small tokens of thanks I can give in return. This is one of them. Now go relax. I'll take it from here."

Xena sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll be right over there if you change your mind." She might as well do her forms. She hadn't yet practiced her fighting techniques today.

She thought it was strange that Ryuichi would give such small tokens of gratitude to ease his conscience about his debt. It reminded her a bit of Gabrielle…

The rest of the trip went by much the same. With her workload diminished she spent much of her time doing martial arts on the open deck and thinking. She was exhausted with puzzling over the same issues again and again, but she puzzled over them nonetheless. The only thing that changed was that she started seeking out the company of Captain Kin more and more. She found the man charming and as the days went by their relationship grew to a polite friendship.

One day, she was laying in her hammock fast asleep, thinking on memories of the past, when she heard the distant cry of "Land Ho!" She immediately dropped out of her bed and sprinted up the stairs. Sure enough, a grey sliver of land was growing on the horizon. Jappa, the Land of the Rising Sun. She had to find her answers here. This is where it had all began. Or had all ended, depending on how you looked at it. Finally, no more wondering at the truth, trying to guess at facts like reaching out and tying to catch thick strands of wind in your hand. Here there would be substance, a history of Gabrielle's past. And finally, Xena would find her trail and track her down, and they would be reunited for better or for worse. Again, this would be where it would all begin.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Xena said her farewell to Kin and left him to direct the procedure of unloading all of his wares for trade. She hadn't had the patience to stay and help, not when she was so close to finding Gabrielle.

She set off straight for that cursed town, the town of Higuchi. After much walking, she arrived there to find a brand new, thriving village, without a trace of the last two fires Xena had experienced. She stood at the edge of town for a bit, overcome with its new immensity, then plunged forward into its streets. Where should she start? Maybe Gabrielle had stayed at an inn before leaving. She should have been a well known hero, after helping Xena defeat Yodoshi. She entered the nearest inn.

From inn to inn she walked, without a trace of Gabrielle. The inn keeps didn't even respond to the name "little dragon warrior," a title Xena was sure Gabrielle had earned after receiving that beautiful tattoo. After combing through the entire city, she reached the last of the inns, and found much the same answer there as anywhere else. Finally she consented that Gabrielle hadn't earned the fame she deserved.

The inns had proven a dead end, but Xena wasn't about to give up, not after traveling all this way. So she continued her search, this time in bars and taverns, horse stables and the alchemist shops. Every public building she entered, she asked the same question. Did you ever hear of Gabrielle, the battling bard of Potedia? Have you ever heard of the little dragon warrior, a girl on whose back was inked in a dragon of protection? No. Not a single person knew. Finally, exhausted, she sat down on a bar stool in the middle of town. She slapped down one of the 15 dinars Kin had insisted on paying her, and asked for something strong.

"and some change." She glared menacingly at the barkeep, who didn't even blink.

"Sure thing, miss!" he said, ducking under the bar. He came back with one silver and a couple bronze coins that she did not recognize, as well as a bottle that, when uncorked, she could smell from across the counter.

"Thanks" she said wearily, and took a sip. It burned pleasantly down her throat. "Hey, you ever heard of a battling bard of potedia? May also be known as the little dragon warrior, the dragon bard, or some other such silly name?"

"Um, no miss, I can't say I have."

Xena pivoted on her stool to gaze around the room, when something shiny caught her eye. There, over the fireplace, was a beautiful katana and …her ying-yang chakram. She whirled around to face the bar. The barkeep was already at the other end of the bar. She closed her eyes halfway and concentrated on calming her emotions. This was it. This is where she would get some answers. Maybe she had simply been asking the wrong questions. Her eyes snapped open again as the man behind the bar passed her in search of another bottle.

"Hey you. Come here." She said as calmly as she could.

"Just a mo'…" he went back to the other side of the bar again, and Xena had to fight the urge to jump up and grab what was truly hers, and kill the bar keep in the process. But she needed more than just the weapons. She needed answers. Finally the barkeep returned.

"Yes?" He asked, his eyes roaming the long counter for anyone who might need him next.

"That thing, over the fireplace, it's real pretty. Where'd you get it?" The man's attention was suddenly completely hers, and he smiled, it seemed, despite himself.

"My ancestor won it in a battle against Xena, the warrior princess."

"Really." She said flatly. "I'm dying to know the whole story. Please…" The bartender needed no further persuasion. He dove into his story.

"My ancestor Morimotto was a brave man. He fought against this woman with legendary skill and strength, and defeated her! Cut her head clean off! Then he found out that her spirit was up to something on Mount Fuji, and quickly went there to stop her from doing something horrible. There he met her spirit as well as her little friend with that round killing thing. He destroyed Xena's spirit and while doing battle, kicked her little friend straight down the mountain! He brought those weapons back as proof. He was a downright hero!" His grin slowly deteriorated under the withering look on Xena's face.

"And how long ago was it, that all this happened?"

"Oh, forever ago." He said, "must have been hundreds of years since then. I think it must have been… 4? Yeah, 4 hundred years ago at least." He looked at Xena, searching for the look of admiration he usually got when revealing such ancient roots in the town of Higuchi. But he was disappointed. The look on her face was one of shock, not reverence. He glanced in her cup. No, it was mostly there. Then, without warning she threw it back and swallowed it all in two gulps. Then she got up, went over to the mantle piece, and tugged the weapons free of their iron pegs.

"Hey! Hey! What are you doing?" The barkeep leaped over the counter and grabbed Xena's hand, trying to stop her. But she threw him back against the counter, where he cracked his skull and went out cold.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Everything around Xena seemed to have grown dark and distant. She placed the chakram on the belt that had held her frying pan, and that now also held her money pouch. Luckily the scabbard of Gabrielle's katana had also been put on display, and she strapped that over her back in place of the one she had liberated back in southern Chin. She marched straight out of the bar with them, and no one tried to stop her after she had knocked the bartender out. Smart lot of people, she thought. Once out of the bar she hesitated for a second, then turned back the way she came. With any more luck Kin would not have left the port yet.

What did she mean, any _more_ luck? So she had found her chakram… but she had also found a gap between her and Gabrielle that lasted 400 years. _400 years!_ Yes, she had thought that her torment in the clouds had lasted an eternity, but she had attributed that fact to the lengthening of time that happened whenever one was – ahem – _not_ having fun. Not only was she 400 years late, but her absence had ended in the shortening of her best friend's life. Xena knew that Gabrielle would have won that fight had she not been grieving, had her eyes not been swollen half shut and her ears not full of her own tormented screams. The guilt of 400 years weighed heavily on her soul, and she cried the full 40 mile walk back to Kin's port town.

Xena returned to Kin's dock merely 5 and 1/2 days after leaving it, and sure enough, there Ryuu floated, stately and in its best form of repair. Xena boarded it without even pausing. Her eyes were probably still a bit puffy, but she had cleared away her tears and mastered her emotions before entering town. There was no use giving up. She would find Gabrielle in whatever form she was in now. But she needed the help of a god for that. She needed to see Aphrodite.

Kin was surprised to see her, but he welcomed her back on board with open arms. Xena barely acknowledged his welcome. Later that night Kin requested her audience in his cabin for dinner. This should have been a surprise as everyone was accustomed to Kin taking meals with the rest of the crew in the mess hall, but Xena didn't have the thought to spare for its oddity. She knocked obediently at his door at 6 pm sharp. He was, after all, the ticket back off the island, as well as a friend.

"Enter" She heard him call. She lifted the handle and pushed the door in. "Xena! I'm so glad you came! Please, come sit down!" He gestured to a poufy green chair that stood out oddly against all the natural wood in the room. Barely registering his request, she sat herself gingerly on the edge of the seat.

"Lots of vegetables and fruit today!" Kin said cheerfully, setting an empty plate before Xena and gesturing again, this time at the serving platters in front of her. "Gotta prevent that nasty scurvy, don't we?" He chuckled forcefully. Even Xena, in her subdued self-absorbed state noticed the fakeness. She raised her left eyebrow, but served herself some food silently. Kin sat on the other side of the table, but did not touch the food.

"What's wrong, Xena? What did you find during your absence? How can I help?" His voice was soft and gentle.

"You can't help." Xena said flatly. "Not unless you can defy linear time. Can you?" She raised that eyebrow again.

"No." He said, his normal light heartedness gone. "But maybe there is something else I can do. But first I need to hear the story." He let the silence stretch on, and didn't break it. Finally, Xena sighed.

"Alright then, if you think you're so smart…" She put down her fork. Eating was like force feeding herself, in this kind of mood. She hated every bite. Every morsel that she did not deserve stuck in her throat, making her gag. "I died. I should be dead, but I'm not." She didn't mind telling this man her secrets. All the events felt so detached from her, it was like telling a story about a friend. It didn't make her feel vulnerable. It was true that knowledge was power, but she didn't see any kind of upper hand Kin might get from learning what she had to say.

"I had the chance to stay alive, but I didn't. I burned thousands in a fire that I started. They had to be avenged." She didn't mention Gabrielle yet. That would be too painful to go into detail. "So I stayed dead. But instead of moving on to whatever judgment I deserved, I stayed stuck in between worlds, completely helpless." She swallowed. It was more painful than she thought it would be. "Then I was given this body, so I'm back. But… I've lost a dear friend in the process." A single tear slid down her cheek, but she did not bother to brush it away. Having loved someone was not a sign of weakness. She closed her mouth and pushed her lips forward in an aggressive pout. That was all the story she thought she could ever tell to someone. She was not about to elaborate. The pain was building up on her chest, and any more words would spill more than syllables.

Kin thought on this for a while. "And this all happened here, in Jappa?" Xena nodded. "I'm sorry, but I do not understand why you had to stay dead?" He was taking this better than she had expected. After all, it was an incredible tale.

Xena faltered halfway through a sigh and coughed with pain. "Because if I had come back, and lived the rest of my life in peace, all the souls that died because of me would have been lost forever."

"Xena…" He almost whispered. He dreaded what he had to say, what she had to know. "Revenge is a huge part of our culture. It keeps us alive and fighting, it's what often gives us the drive to go on after the untimely demise of a loved one. But it is not a part of our religion. By staying dead you merely satisfied the hatred and anger of their family members, not of the dead themselves. I'm sorry…" The look of outrage on Xena's face scared Kin witless, and he faltered, unable to go on. Xena quietly excused herself and left the room. Kin was almost glad to see her go. He had seen her in action, and did not wish for such a violent fate.

Xena walked out onto the deck, then, without anywhere better to go, she went down and climbed into her old hammock, stone faced and numb. She couldn't believe it. She had sacrificed herself, she had sacrificed Gabrielle, but for what? Nothing? The reality of the consequences that she was responsible for couldn't reach her. She was in a daze.

The ship left the port the next morning without her help. She lay in bed, eyes fixed on a spot above her hammock. All day she lay like this, and the next night as well. Even her body didn't sleep. It wasn't until halfway through the second day that it finally hit her. And it hit her hard. She had killed Gabrielle. She had broken her heart, and drifted away as man who had taken her life took Gabrielle's as well. Gone, just like that. Even if she found Gabrielle now with Aphrodite's help, she wouldn't be the same. If she ever knew this story, she wouldn't ever forgive Xena. No, there was no getting back her beautiful battling bard. Gone. Kicked off the side of a mountain, minutes after the demise of her best friend, seconds after being abandoned by her helpless soul mate. How could Xena have let this happen? How could she have believed Akemi and her selfish lies? Akemi, who just wanted Xena dead. Not redeemed, but alone, without anyone, the way Akemi must have felt as a spirit under her father's reign of terror. It wasn't right. She should be punished! But how would she do that, with nothing but a frail body that won't even do what she says part of the time. A body that was bound to someday be unresponsive in the middle of a fight, bound to be her demise, killing her once more, killing her body the same way the truth now killed her soul.

Xena cried out in anger and rage, in a pain she could not describe or even completely fathom. She was broken. Spoiled. Too rotten of a human being to be in the company of anyone else. She had failed her beloved. What else was she capable of doing? She struggled up the stairs to the deck, where she spotted Kin almost immediately.

"Take me to shore." She rasped at the truly startled captain.

"Xena, are you-"

"NOW!" She bellowed. "Head for shore now or I'll make you wish you were never born." She was inches from his face now, and his almond eyes were almost as round as coins with fear.

"Ok! Ok!" He gasped, stumbling backwards. "Pull her starboard! 90 degrees!" He looked fearfully back to Xena. "Xena, are you sure? There's not a town for miles where we're dropping you off…"

"Yes." She said forcefully, "I am positive."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

As soon as the ship was in sight of land Xena held up her hand for the sailors to stop. "I will swim from here, Kin. It was nice knowing you." She dove off the side of the boat and struck out for the sliver of land. It was a bitter farewell for Kin. He said a little prayer for Xena as he watched her powerful arms carry her away.

Xena channeled all her strength into a front crawl, checking her direction only every once in a while. Finally, after three or four hours, she had made it. Once out of the water, she only took a second to check her chakram and her katana before heading straight into the wilderness.

She didn't know where she should go. She had nothing left. She had been nothing but a plague on this earth, and nothing would redeem her. She couldn't forgive herself enough to find Gabrielle now, Xena didn't deserve her. She had been poison to the young girl ever since the day they had met, and she wasn't about to poison her in another life. Xena felt so selfish. Why else had she decided to stay dead? Surely not because it was the right thing to do. She had recently discovered that she did not have such a strong moral compass within her, not without Gabrielle. She had stolen a sword, punched out a man for being too annoying, bullied a captain into giving her free passage to Jappa and back… no, it wasn't for her moral compass. It was for herself, for an escape from her own tormenting guilt, for her ultimate redemption. And it had cost Gabrielle her life. Never again. Xena would lose herself in movement, keep running until it all went away, walk and fight until she was so exhausted she couldn't think anymore. Then merciful darkness would come along with the sleep that had been denied her soul every night since Mt. Fuji.

So, Xena walked. And she walked. Tripping over herself, half dazed, she still demolished every group of thieves that crossed her path. But she hardly took notice. Her bloodlust was gone, along with her will to live. But live she did, forcing herself to hunt and eat every now and again, sometimes allowing, without any other choice, for her body to fall to the ground from exhaustion mid-stride, forced to sleep because her body had faltered and fainted without it. But her soul was unrelenting in its agitation, and she never slept long before she was forced to push onward, chased by her immense guilt.

On and on she walked, for how many miles she didn't know. Until one day, in the middle of a cold and barren field that was undeniably approaching winter, she fell and didn't get up. Her body shook violently with the chill of the season, and she watched helplessly as her body slowly died… again. She wondered if this time maybe, just maybe, she would be allowed to go on, to die completely and be reborn into another life. But nothing had changed since her last death. As surely as her health failed, she knew she had failed herself. She hadn't been strong enough, she had allowed her chance at life slip away from her once more, completely helpless to stop it. Once again she would be caught up in that forsaken cloud, unable even to wipe her tearful eyes as she wrestled with her terrible past, with her loss of Gabrielle.

Then something happened. She saw with her spiritual vision a form check her pulse, then wrap her in a coarse blanket. It was a young man of the land of Chin, and he laid her dying body on a cart stacked high with bags of rice. She lay perilously on top of it, her mouth open, tongue lolling slightly, bouncing and rocking with every bump the cart went over. What a pathetic sight. Xena couldn't stand feeling her body draped so helplessly over this farmer's produce. She tried to close her mind to it, but still she was painfully aware of her own weight, and she drowned in the sounds that surrounded her. The sound this Chinese man's footsteps, the grinding crunch of wheel against rock, and her own heartbeat pounding resolutely away echoed in her head, drowning out her thoughts. The sounds vibrated her skull and threatened to pulverize her brain. On they went, trapping her and pulling her deeper and deeper into her battered head, unrelenting in its torment. Then through the sounds came the clashing of steel and distant voices shouting. Xena was thrust painfully out of her demented brain to see the man who saved her matching blades with none other than the descendant of Morimoto, the bartender from whom she had taken her chakram and Gabrielle's katana. He was fighting with a sword and a look of vengeance on his face. The farmer had detached the long wooden yoke that he used to pull the cart and was fighting with it, using the same moves Gabrielle had used with her staff. He was nearly as good with it as Gabrielle had once been, but that wasn't enough. Xena struggled with her body to get up and fight, but it was gripped with paralysis, and Morimoto's descendant ran the farmer through with a triumphant shout. His cry was cut short though as, injured as he was, Xena's rescuer hit him hard on his right temple, caving in his skull and taking his life. The simple farmer followed the attacker to the ground.

"Mulan…" She heard him call out with his last breath. Xena struggled still against her bonds, but was unable to force her body to move. She was helpless, still barely alive.

Xena couldn't believe it. Now she was to blame for another good soul. There was no denying that this was all her fault; she had brought the wrath of a man from Jappa onto the head of a peaceful farmer who, for what ever reason, had given up his life to save hers. He should have just let her die. Her guilt was piling up, and she had never hated herself so much in her life.

Xena lay on the cart, painfully aware of the silence that surrounded her, for hours. Finally a stooped form limped along the path toward them. When he came upon the casualties of the fight he stopped, and Xena heard a moan of deep sorrow and loss. The man ran over to one of the bodies and began to sob. Xena felt she was intruding on a very private moment and tried again to block out her surroundings, but to no avail. Then after a long moment passed he picked up one of the fallen men, the man who had given his life to save hers, and laid him gently next to her on the cart. Still sobbing, he re-attached the yoke and soon they began moving further down the path.

Not long after that her little cart took a turn off the main path, and the old man stopped it in front of a squat little house. Despite the age of his face, the lack of color in his long grey hair, and his marked limp, the man carried Xena into the house without much effort. Either he was stronger than he looked or all of Xena's bulk and muscle had and dwindled down to nothing during her tormented wanderings. The old man was greeted with a worried female voice and the scurrying of small feet within the home. She was being set down on a soft bed when she heard the cries of aguish coming from where she had come, where the man had left the cart. Not only had his good deed for her cause this young man's death, but his family, or what she could only guess was his family, was now giving her a soft warm bed even as they struggled to realize the finality of death. As the man began to sponge away the sweat from her brow it became too much, and her heart completely broke under the weight of it all.

Once again, she cried out for help.

Immediately, sweet darkness closed itself around her, and for the first time since the earth had embraced her in southern Chin, she slept.

But Xena slept fitfully. The milky darkness churned with one nightmare after another. She heard the clash of steel, screaming voices, the crackle of fire.

Then a figure came at her through the chaos.

Gabrielle clutched at Xena's face.

"Why, Xena?" She said through clenched teeth, "Why did you leave me?"

"I didn't- Gabrielle, I couldn't- I tried but-"

"Excuses!" Gabrielle slapped her face away, then clawed at it again, bringing it inches from her own. Her voice was full of rage.

"I should have been your greater good, Xena."

Xena began to cry. "Forgive me!" She pleaded, "Please, forgive me!"

Gabrielle dissolved, then reformed into another familiar face. But this one did not scream at her. Eli was smiling.

"You are forgiven Xena, for everything."

"But Gabrielle-"

"Gabrielle was a wonderful companion, but she is as frail as breath, do not judge yourself based on dreams of another human."

"But she's my soul mate!"

"Strong words coming from someone who has forsaken her."

Xena blinked with shock at Eli's words. But she knew she was right. "She's better off without me."

"When you're in this state? Perhaps. But that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here?" Xena attempted to glare at Eli, but the effect was dulled by her falling tears.

"I am here to forgive you, to offer myself as your redemption. I died so that people like you would not be afraid of life."

"Sorry Eli, but I follow the path of the warrior."

"Are you saying you do not love? You do not have to be a pacifist to be one of my chosen. All you need is a heart." All this sounded like a joke, and Xena was the brunt of it.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to talk to me, to accept me and my God."

"I have accepted you. You exist, you were my friend it doesn't take a genius to realize that."

"No Xena, I'm asking for more than that. I'm asking for your love, your trust. I want to carry your burdens for you. I want to be your redeemer."

"So basically you want my soul. That's a high price you're asking for there Eli. Why would I ever give you all that?"

"Didn't you just ask for help? You've prayed before. Is it only in dire straights that you ask for assistance? If you accept me, allow me to guide and protect you, you welcome life." Eli was offering the impossible, showing her a path to a redemption she could never allow herself.

"How can you offer me true redemption? Only I am responsible for my actions. You cannot erase my past."

"I died for you, Xena. I satisfied the anger of the ultimate judge of your actions. I have made you white as snow. You are no longer held accountable for your past misdeeds, only your future actions. Xena, just let me into your heart." Xena looked away, but she couldn't deny that she yearned for a release. "Xena, it's the only way to save yourself. If you do not let me in now, you will loose the body I gave you to the desperate sickness of your soul. I am here to-"

"It was you? Why-?" Xena cut through Eli's words with her own.

"Because you are my friend, the mother and protector of my messenger, the broken woman to whom I owe everything. Because, Xena, I love you."

Eli reached out his hand to touch her face, but Xena pulled away. Why had he let her fret over who had given her a body instead of just telling her?

"Where is Gabrielle?" Xena spoke without conscious thought. Eli dropped his hand and looked at her sadly.

"She's fine, I've been watching over her. She's as important to me as she is to you, Xena."

"I highly doubt that." Eli smiled warmly at the love that shone in Xena for the fair-haired bard.

"Well, think about what I've said."

"Wait! Eli, I need to know-" but he had already dissolved, giving way to a painfully sharp image of a small room and a bed on which Xena lay. "-so much more." she finished aloud. The old man was bent over her, trying to feed her mashed rice. Xena forced her lips shut. Then, seeing the look of concern on his face, slowly opened them, and swallowed the rice. A few mouthfuls were all she could manage before she turned herself away from him, trying in vain to regain that peaceful darkness.

_Now you're all caught up to were I am in the story. I am continuing to work on it every day, but I am not sure I am fast enough to post a new chapter every day. I will at least post one once a week, so stay tuned!_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Xena tossed and turned in her sleep, but no position offered her comfort.

So the god of Eli had given her this body. Why was it incomplete? Why was it not truly hers? Why had she been in need of it in the first place, instead of going on like every other soul? This new knowledge only gave way to more questions. Could she believe that he had done it out of love? He did owe her a lot, after giving her a daughter marked by the prophesy of the twilight, after allowing her daughter to grow up into violence under Ares' guidance. Why had this all-powerful god not intervened then? She had always wondered. No, instead Xena herself had been the tool Eli used to turn Eve into his little pet. It had required a miracle, she admitted, but it was her love that this god had shown Eve. Recalling Eve made her angrier. Even after she had won her daughter over Eve had never been truly hers. Eve had belonged to Eli, and traveled without her mother, afraid of bringing such a symbol of violence to accompany her message of love.

And yet, she believed him when he said he could offer her redemption. After all, she had seen his god give Eve the redemption she needed to live again. She had felt the power radiating from him, though repressed as she knew it was. He had paid the ultimate price. Not for her alone, she didn't believe that for a second, but for anyone who was willing to accept it. Could she? It was starting to look as though she would have no choice if she ever wanted to face life again, and as tempting as it was to spend 400 more years tormenting herself over what she had done, she knew she couldn't last forever that way, and Xena was a survivor. In the end, she would have to make the most reasonable choice. Without life she would never truly be free, and without freedom she would never have life. Eli was the only ticket out of her own head, and she knew this. She even believed it.

So, finally, she prayed. She had prayed before… for a miracle, for guidance. This time she prayed for more than that. It was for a release from the torment in which she locked herself up, for freedom from the guilt that smothered her soul. She knew in her heart that she could never be a good enough person to ever meet Gabrielle again eye to eye, but she needed the forgiveness simply to allow her to live with herself, the permission to move on with her life without her beloved soul mate. The thought of it tore at her soul, but there was no fighting reason. She needed forgiveness to survive, but in small measure. She wouldn't allow herself the grace to receive true happiness again.

So pray she did, and life seeped back into her. Slowly her body stopped shaking with fever, and her lips began to move to the words her soul was crying out. Her eyes fluttered open. She could feel the love of Eli surrounding her, and it emboldened her to allow him to forgive her, to allow herself to be forgiven, to let a small part of him into her heart. With redemption came new life, and for the first time she looked into the eyes of her devoted caregiver.

His eyes were deep brown and lined with his personal history. She saw happiness there, as well as misery and grief. At the moment he was creasing wrinkles of concern.

"How are you, my dear?" He asked her gently, looking into her eyes.

"Great, thanks." She rasped. Either she had been shouting in her sleep or it was from lack of use that her voice was worn and hoarse.

"Eat." He said, holding up a spoon of more wheat porridge. She tasted a bit. They had mixed it with cream, which was surprising since all the people she had ever met in Chin was obsessed with tea, and spurned all dairy products as being the food of barbarians. Also it wasn't rice, but wheat. Where was she? Had things really changed so much in 400 years? It was possible.

She ate obediently.

When she had finished the bowl, the old man pushed her gently back onto the porcelain pillow. She didn't resist. A great weight had been lifted from her chest, and as she slept she meditated, simply existing with a clear mind and an exhausted soul.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Xena had put her woes into the hands of a god. It felt strange, to allow someone else carry her burdens. She didn't forget what Eli had said about judging her future actions, however. She knew she was greatly indebted to this family, and somehow Xena had to find a way to repay them.

Xena was glad to feel her moral compass spinning its little needle again, pointing her in a direction that was good and true. This sense of right and wrong had regained its strength for the first time since abandoning Gabrielle. She shivered noticeably at this thought. Perhaps she was a better person for allowing Eli into her life.

The members of the small family that had taken her in were amazed by the rate of her recovery. She had indeed lost much of her weight, but regained it quickly. She ate everything that was offered to her and slept until the bags under her eyes faded down to nothing.

The family gave her space and didn't ask too many questions. It wasn't until they requested that she eat with them that they had any contact beyond the basic care they gave her. She was thankful for the time they gave her to recuperate, and by the time her presence at the dinner table was requested, she was well prepared to answer or deflect any questions they might have, or so she thought.

The meal began in silence. An old woman sat at one head of the table and the old man at the other; two young girls, a toddler and Xena sat in between. After a few bites, Xena cleared her throat. They all looked at her with a curiosity they could no longer contain.

"I'm Xena. I come from a distant land in the west." The most awkward silence Xena had ever experienced ensued. Her words echoed back at her in her head. She tried to brush it off. "Who was the man that saved me?"

"His name was Junjie. He was my son." The old man's breath caught in his throat as he breathed deeply. " I am Liang and my wife's name is Chen. This is Bao, Jun, and Shing, his children."

Xena was speechless. Finally finding her voice, she croaked rhetorically, "Why did he save me?" Unexpectedly, the old woman had an answer.

"He had a heart for those in need. And..." she hesitated for a fraction of a second, "you look exactly like his wife."

"His wife is Greek?" She asked in surprise.

"No, she was Chinese."

Xena stammered, "Was? You mean she's dead too?" She had taken the only parent these children had left, "I'm sorry." The truth tore at her, and she didn't ask to be forgiven for this new offense. She let it haunt her and receded into her mind for a moment of silence. Yet she couldn't help the question that burned inside her, straining to get out. After a while, she said, "What do you mean, I look like her then? I'm not Chinese."

The entire table starred at her. Finally, the old woman spoke.

"You certainly look Chinese."

"No, I really don't." More silence stretched out before them.

"Bao, go get my little mirror from my boudoir." The oldest girl got up obediently and ran from the room. The quiet little boy, probably Shing as it was the only boys name Liang mentioned, sat across from Xena and stared unabashedly, not touching his food. Little Bao came back quickly, scurrying to her grandmother's side. It must not be a very large house, for her to return so quickly.

"Go give it to Xena."

The girl approached Xena cautiously, avoiding direct eye contact, and handed her a small mirror. Xena looked at her reflection. She had to resist the urge to look over her shoulder to see who was being reflected in the glass. She knew no one was behind her, she would have heard them. And yet, the person staring back at her looked like a familiar stranger. Gone were the steel blue eyes, replaced with a dark earthy brown that slanted elegantly at the corners. Her nose was different as well. Instead of being straight and thin, it had widened itself slightly and hugged closer to her face. The arcs of her eyebrows were still the same as was the strong jaw line and her nearly black hair, though it seemed heavier and much straighter. Xena was bewildered. Why had she been reborn as a daughter of the land of Chin? Her body had seemed so familiar that first eventful day, and the villagers she had passed seemed so hostile and scared, as if she had stuck out as a foreigner like a sore thumb on the hand of the land of Chin. And her skin… Xena would have noticed a slightly darker complexion when she had examined her new body upon waking up. No, her skin had been the same color it had always been. So what had changed?

"I looked like this when you first found me?" She asked as calmly as she could. Everyone nodded, except the little boy, who just kept staring. Xena set this new development aside for later inspection. All she could do was roll with the punches, and roll she did.

"Where am I?" The family looked their puzzlement at the sudden change of gears.

"You are in the land of Chin."

"OK, but where in Chin?" Xena looked from one end of the table to the other. Liang puffed out his chest.

"The _true_ land of Chin, the Wei kingdom in the north. We are a 5 day journey to the East of Hsia, within the loop of the Yellow river."

Xena was amused by his pride, but she kept her smile to herself. He was even starting to sound like a man from Chin. They always had thought of themselves as the greatest civilization on earth. It also reminded Xena of most Greeks…

"Ah, then I think I know where I am. I've travelled far. At least 1,600 miles. And that is if I had walked in a straight line." She glanced around at the shocked faces that were now looking at her. "What? I've known women who have walked farther."

"Not in the state you were in, I'm sure." Chen said softly. Xena was impressed at her strength. That was something else that marked this household s different from the Chin she remembered. Unlike that Chin, this woman was allowed a part in the conversation, allowed to have her own say. Chen even reminded her a bit of Lao Ma. The name reminded her of the surname this family had not yet revealed.

"What is your family name?"

"Zhu." Liang's voice hardened. Xena did not voice the question, but she couldn't help but wonder at his reaction. Instead she filled yet another moment of awkward silence with mouthfuls of vegetables, beans, and milk.

This is how they ate the rest of their meal. The adults focused on their plates and the children stole curious glances between bites. When they were finished they refused Xena's help with the cleanup, insisting that she still needed her rest. Finally defeated, Xena returned to her little room where the returned guilt brooded over her while she slept. She had known it would be too easy for her to give up responsibility for the recent death of Junjie. Even Eli's immense love couldn't return the father of those orphaned children.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Xena was trapped. She couldn't leave the Zhu family, not since they had lost Junjie. She owed his children their father and his parents their son. She yearned to loose herself on the open road but she forced herself to channel this energy into helping around the farm. She would help as long as she could stand staying in one spot.

From dawn till dusk she worked, every day for a little over one moon cycle. Every day she would get up with Chen and Liang, leaving the younger two under the care of the 12-year-old Bao. They would pause for an hour at mid day to eat lunch, then pick up where they left off until the sun was low in the sky. Liang would call to the two women and they would follow him inside to eat a warm meal that Chen would put together. While she was cooking Xena would take herself to a secluded place and practice her forms, punching, kicking, and slicing apart her hapless foes. Xena usually sensed Bao hiding in the bushes nearby watching. She didn't mind, until one day Bao revealed herself with a flourish and asked her to teach her some tchniques.

"No." Xena said firmly.

"But you could teach me so much!" Bao whimpered quietly. "I need to know how to protect the family now that…" Bao faltered, and Xena pleaded with her silently. She didn't want to corrupt yet another blameless soul. But Bao had played the trump card and they both knew it. Finally, Xena gave in.

"I will teach you the meditative art of Tai Chi. But first we must ask your grandparents."

Bao opened her mouth as if to protest, but Xena had already started walking toward the house. Bao skipped happily to catch up. She wanted to be as strong, as stoic, as cool as Xena. This was her chance.

Her grandparents were hesitant at first, but they eventually assented. After all, it was Tai Chi and although the art form could be very dangerous, it was quite harmless to someone if they were never taught what the moves were for and how to apply them in a fight.

So, Xena taught Bao some Tai Chi, and by the end of the month she became proficient with the basics.

Xena found ways to enjoy her time with the little family. She had aquired comfortable fall cloths from Chen, and though she did not ask, she assumed they had been the property of Junjie's wife Mulan. Right before bed every night Xena would sit at the table in the main room and listen to Chen or Liang tell a story to their grand children as they tucked them into bed in the next room. She quickly learned the folk tales by heart, and she couldn't help but think how much Gabrielle would have liked them. She would have added bits here and there, perhaps even switched them all around until they became something that was not only timeless, but beautiful as well. Whenever this thought occurred to her the tears would begin to escape and she would quietly tip-toe back to her own room. She couldn't help immersing herself in her memories on nights like those. The night would stretch out before her endlessly as tears fell from her sleeping eyes.

She grew fond of her new beneficiaries. Shing, the toddler, had the heart of a lion but was very clumsy. He liked to hide in unlikely places and jump out at people. Xena would feign surprise when he would pop out at her screaming, until one day she was so completely engaged with her memories of Gabrielle that she didn't hear the sound of his excited breathing as he hid in a pantry. When he jumped out at her Xena nearly threw him across the room, but mastered her reflexes in the nick of time. After that she no longer played his game, but lectured him each time about the dangers of surprising a seasoned warrior. But he wouldn't listen to her warning, instead he would shout, "No! Shing the great kill you! You dead now!" and waddle away.

Jun was so shy and small Xena would have almost forgotten she existed without her heightened sense of her surroundings, the focus that Ares had given to her. Xena tried to engage her a couple times, but each time her eyes would pop open wide and she would flee the room terrified. Xena thought she blamed her for her father's death, and she felt terrible for days until Chen explained that Jun responded like that to every stranger.

Some of the family had to travel to the market once a week to sell and buy produce. Xena would usually go with Bao. Jun, although 7, was too shy to manage transactions, and Shing was far too young.

Everywhere she went in the little town people greeted her as Mulan. Every time she was mistaken for the dead mother her skin would crawl. She didn't correct them however. She didn't know why the Zhu's hadn't revealed the recent death of one of their family members, but she respected their decision. An added bonus was that this meant she could keep a low profile, and there was nothing better to hide her than looking like an already accepted member of the little marketplace. This way she wasn't a stranger.

One week Chen and Bao left early in the morning for the marketplace, and Xena and Liang went into the fields to work. They hadn't even made it to lunch yet when Chen came running at them through the fields, shouting and waving her arms wildly. Both immediately dropped their tools and ran to her.

"They… have… Bao!" She gasped in between breaths. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she didn't seem physically hurt.

"Who has Bao?" Liang said sharply.

"Some men on horseback!" She rasped. "Three? Four? It all happened so – fast!" She wailed and seized hold of her hair, ripping it out.

"We have to get her back." Liang said immediately, and started for the house. Xena grabbed his shoulder. He looked over at her.

"I'll go." She said. Liang studied her for a fraction of a second, then nodded. There was no time to argue. His limp and age made him undeniably slower than Xena, and without a horse they would need all the speed they could manage to catch up with them.

Xena kept her Chakram on the belt she wore over her borrowed cloths, and she ran into the house to get her katanna. Strapping it to her back, she began running down the path Chen and Bao had taken that morning.

There where some men out there that were soon going to be very sorry.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Xena followed Chen's clear tracks down the path, running against time. When she came upon the place of the offense she barely paused to make sense of all the scuffing, then headed off the road, led by the hoof prints. Surprise was on her side. These men had attacked simple farmers. They wouldn't be expecting a full fledged warrior to be right at their tail.

Xena ran all day and all evening, stopping only for water whenever she heard its musical rhythm. Luckily, the men on horseback had ridden along a small stream that sometimes arched away, and sometimes cut across their path, forcing Xena to leap over it. It supplied her with occasional gulps of water.

It was well into the night when Xena finally caught up with them. They had slowed to a trot shortly after their attack, and had continued on until they reached a large camp right next to the persistent little stream. Xena surveyed the encampment from a thick tree. It was made up of about 100 tents, most of which could easily house five men each. There was one large one that probably served as the main quarters for their leader. She made a mental note of the horses tied to something in the darkness. Xena listened hard, but all she could hear were the shallow breaths of the camp's sleeping inhabitants. She also spotted a few look outs. Whoever had positioned them must have been an idiot. It would be easy to avoid them.

Xena needed to act quickly. The moon was only a quarter full, which would give her an advantage since she was able to fight blind, simply listening for her enemy's movements.

Quietly Xena descended from the tree, and proceeded slowly and with caution, approaching the horses. They stomped their feet and smelled their intruder, but allowed her to touch them without whinnying. She chose the flightiest of the bunch and dressed him in the tackle from a nearby tent and untied his reins to wrap them loosely around the makeshift rail. Then she approached each tent, listening to the sounds from within. When she came upon one that didn't betray a sound, she opened the flap slightly, then wider to let in the moonlight. She had found the supply tent. She rummaged as quietly as she could until she found a candle, and lit it. She had been in too much of a passionate rush to gather such things that she needed from the house before she left. She went from tent to tent with the candle without making a sound, looking in each one for Bao. Finally she found her in a pile of blankets on the floor of a purple tent that had been erected next to what she had guessed were the main quarters on the army's leader. In a flood of relief she quickly made for her, but stumbled as her foot caught on a soft sleeping form. Her bane leaped to its feet and drew a sword, knocking the candle out of her hand which rolled to a corner of the tent. Xena drew her own sword in one fluid movement. The flame from the candle grew slightly, silhouetting her adversary's face but undoubtedly lighting up her own.

"Mulan?" Came a tentative voice that cracked into cruel laughter. "Couldn't live without knowing how your child was? Couldn't sleep without wondering what awful things I was doing to her? How does it feel?" The man twirled his sword while a flutter of panic erupted in Xena's stomach.

"What did you do?" she growled, her voice lowered to almost mach the voice of the man.

"I'd rather die than satisfy your imagination!" he taunted, swinging his sword. Xena could only imagine the shock on his face when she raised her sword to stop his.

"You just might have to die, then." She growled. She advanced on him, meeting his blade, playing with him. Savagely, she savored his stunned silence, beating him backwards with the strength of her swings. The flame in the corner of the tent was growing.

"Who are you?" His quivering voice joined the clashing of their steel.

"I am your judgment and your executor." She said nastily. They had circled one another, and the light that fell on his face revealed the terror in this little man. She swung for his neck, and her blade forced his to scratch his skin as he barely had the strength to stop her.

"Guards!" He shouted, panic cracking his voice. Xena had let herself torment him, costing her a stealthy retreat. She should learn not to play with her food. She twirled her sword around his, disarming him, then ran him through with the long katanna. She heard a girl's scream and turned to see Bao shaking with sobs.

"Follow me!" She yelled. The fire had nearly surrounded them as the tent became hot with the yellow flames, but Bao did not move. Xena grabbed her roughly and lifted her over her shoulder, turning to the last intact wall. She slashed an escape through it and sheathed her bloody sword, hurdling herself out of her dying enemy's tomb. With Bao bouncing limply on her shoulder, Xena sprinted to her horse and unattached it from the rail. She lifted Bao bodily onto the saddle, then after scuffing out her tracks, flung herself up behind her. Hugging Bao's shaking body to her she galloped straight into the forest. She needed the army to believe the fire had been an accident and the absent horse a mistake in the knot. On she rode, not in the direction of Bao's home but to the west, a 90 degree shot from her true course. She pushed the horse until dawn, straining to hear any sounds of pursuit, but none came. Thank the gods. Thank Eli, she added as an afterthought.

Finally she slowed down and began meandering in the eventual direction of the Zhu household. If they did deem this horse worthy of being tracked down, she might as well make a good show of it. If things went according to her plan, this horse's flighty nature would be blamed for such a long run from the fire. Bao had cried the whole rest of the night, and Xena tried to console her quietly, unable to do much more than coo gently in her ear while the horse bounced smoothly beneath them. Her tears finally slowed and she fell asleep with exhaustion in Xena's arms as the first rays of sun peeked at them over the horizon.

Xena kept the horse at a trot the rest of the way back, anxious to get there but worried about the horse's health, having no source of water. After the thrill of the run had worn off it tried to fight her to go back to the camp, but soon gave up its will and obeyed Xena. She had always been a horse whisperer.

The sun was high in the sky when she finally returned to familiar surroundings. As the landmarks passed them by Xena's urgency slowed to a worry. She wasn't returning victorious. Bao's captor had eluded to have hurt her, and there was no way Xena could inspect her on the horse, and she wasn't about to wake her up for a talk. She wouldn't know what to say, and she couldn't slow down. Her grandparents were probably sick with worry.

But they didn't have much longer to wait. Xena was soon pulling up the reigns at Bao's front door, and Chen and Liang were running out for a tearful reunion. Bao was downcast and unresponsive. After her grandparents had held her close for several minutes Xena pulled her away.

"Are you ok?" She asked. Bao pushed her away violently.

"You killed him! She killed him!" She cried.

"What?" Xena asked, confused, then remembered. Killing had become so casual for her. "You mean the man that took you away?" Bao nodded.

"He was my daddy!" She wailed, throwing herself into Chen's arms. Xena was bewildered.

"Your father?" She said. She couldn't let this sink in. Pure instinct told her not to understand. But the truth came to her unwillingly. She turned to Chen, who looked just as shocked. Chen saw her confusion, shook herself, and explained, hesitantly.

"Mulan came to us in the dead of winter. She was huge, at least 6 months in, and in terrible health. We took her in and nursed her back to health. Junjie fell in love, and married her that spring. She had Bao, and he raised her as his own. She never spoke about her past, and we never asked her. This-"

"So it's true!" Bao cut across her, staring daggers at Xena through teary eyes. "You killed him! You took him away! My daddy, my-"

"No. Bao, he said he had hurt you! Well, I mean he alluded to it, he said-"

"I don't care what he said! Xena, he was my father!" Xena was taken back to when those same words were spoken about Gabrielle's child, and her heart hardened. She turned and mounted the horse. She had everything she owned, and all of it was hers, except her borrowed cloths.

"Thank you for your hospitality. I am sorry to have brought so much pain to your family." She spoke to them all in general, not looking at any of them.

"Xena, you returned Bao to us." Liang pleaded.

"Yet I caused even more pain by doing it. I have brought this family enough strife." She was turning the horse around. It must have sensed and sympathized with her pain, for it moved quickly to her touch. "It is time for me to go, this… horse is stolen property. It can't be found on your land." Her lame excuse for her escape echoed in her head as she dug her heels into the horse's flank and galloped away. Their indescript shouts of farewell or good riddance were lost to her. She could not hear above her own chaotic thoughts. She had been right to try to take Bao back to her family. But she was not prepared for the consequences. To have _killed_ her father? She had taken away _another_ one of her fathers. Xena knew she should have suspected a bigger picture. Why else would a group of men swooped out of nowhere to take away one little girl, leaving the other victim completely unharmed? In hindsight, it made absolutely no sense. She had been so eager to repay this family her debt that she had charged headlong into another debt, another loss that could never be repaid. She would go to the land of the Norsemen, and never return to the land of Chin. It had brought her too much heartache. She even wished she didn't look like a woman from Chin so that she wouldn't be reminded of her fatal mistakes every time she looked into a mirror. But that was something that couldn't be helped, the same way she could never take away her mistake. When had she become so indiscriminant with her deadly blade? When had taking a life satisfied such a craving for death? She was disgusted with herself. Who had she become without Gabrielle, without someone to guide her sword, without someone to keep her in check? She remembered all the times Gabrielle had pleaded with her to stop her bloodlust. Like the time she had tried to kill an archangel, and Gabrielle had pleaded with her, but to no avail. Eli had taken her power to kill gods as punishment as well as to stop her. She hadn't even listened to Gabrielle.

Eli. Could he undo the past? Maybe he could bring back Bao's father. He had brought her and Gabrielle back from the dead, but only because she was threatening to take over heaven with an army of demons. No, Eli was too selfish to want to raise some Chinese general from the dead.

Suddenly, Xena was blinded by a great golden light that seared through the eyelids she quickly snapped shut. Nothing happened, but the light glared on. Finally she opened her eyes, to see Eli standing on the road before her, smiling at her. Her horse seemed undisturbed, though he had stopped.

"Of course I care enough to bring other people back from the dead." He said. Xena stared impassively at him. Although she hadn't expected him at that moment, she had known he would pursue her once more. He had given her new life through forgiveness, and she hadn't given him a thought. She tried not to show her surprise.

When Xena didn't answer, Eli continued. "I don't, however, plan on bringing Bao's biological father back to life. He was a ruthless warlord, and would have exposed Bao to things a child should never see." Xena knew that line all too well. Her heart yearned for Solin, her little boy in the Elysian Fields, who she hadn't seen in over 400 years. Eli must have felt her heart's desire, for he smiled again.

"Solin is fine, he's with me now. When all the Greek gods died, the souls in their afterlife were released, and placed in another cycle of life. He became a great scholar for the faith of the One God. He's in heaven." Xena couldn't help but look relieved, though she kept her guard up. She wasn't about to let him claim possession of her soul.

Knowing her thoughts, Eli said, "Xena, I'm not here to force you into anything… well, actually I am." He looked a little guilty. "But I'm not going to take your soul. You need me, we both know that, but I'm not going to force you to take me. That's not what I want."

"Then what do you want?" Xena was getting tired of his cryptic talk.

"Besides your willing love? I want you to go back to the Zhu family."

"That's just not going to happen, Eli" She said aggressively. She had been mortified enough, not to mention the harm she had done to Bao.

"Xena, this is part of my plan for you. You did no wrong by killing that warlord, and it was Junjie's time to go. You have nothing to be ashamed of with that family. I'm not saying you don't owe them, Xena, you do… That army is not going to track down that horse!" He said quickly, seeing her face, "But there is something more I want you to do for them. Go back."

"No." Xena said flatly. There was no way she was going to face Bao's teary accusations once more. She couldn't bear to hear that child's uncharacteristic shouts.

"Yes." Eli said firmly. "That is my body you inhabit, Xena, and I will not let up on it until you fulfill your destiny."

"You mean _your_ destiny?" Xena challenged him, "Do your worst."

Eli looked at her sadly. "I will." he said simply. And he disappeared.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Eli disappeared along with everything else, so that all she could see was a bright splotch of light in the center of her eye where Eli had just stood. She blinked, and her eyelids scraped over rough scales. The surface of her eyes had been blistered by Eli's powerful light; She couldn't see a thing. She felt around her. The earth was gritty and solid beneath her, but she did not remember falling off her horse. She stood up, wincing a bit as she felt for her horse. Finding him, she mounted smoothly. Her eyes would heal. Until then, she must trust her horse to guide her away from the Zhu family. Hopefully he would not take her back to its former owners. She didn't know what she could do against 500 men, especially if she was blind. She would have to listen hard and with constant vigilance to avoid being carried straight into the enemy's camp. She wasn't as worried about Eli. He could blind her body, but… wait. A flutter of panic jumped in her stomach as she realized that her spiritual eyes were blinded as well. How could Eli have done that? She had thought he said that he would not take possession of her soul, though maybe he had worked in a loophole that allowed him to manipulate her soul while still allowing her free will. She certainly had that, as she was resolutely riding in the same direction she had been going before… away from Bao and her hurting family.

She was riding at a trot when she was hit hard in the face. She toppled over backwards, landing on the back of her neck and shoulders. Immediately she was up on her feet in a tense fighting position. She listened hard, but all she could hear was the sound of her horse continuing on without her. She whistled, and it slowed to a stop. Thank the gods. She listened some more, but her ears were filled with the silence of a rustling field… and of a tree. Suddenly it came to her, and she felt around until she had found the branch that had hit her as her horse had passed under it. She whistled again and her horse came back to her. Whoever had trained him had known what they were doing. Apparently she didn't though. Of course she needed to be prepared for low branches when riding blind. She re-mounted and lay forward on the horse's neck. She would just have to ride laying flat until she could see again.

She rode on like this, bouncing up and down uncomfortably, unable to sit low in the saddle and meld with the horses movements in the position she was in. It jostled her brain, yet she still had to catch herself a couple times as she slipped down the horse with sleep. She didn't stop until the horse stopped, not knowing if it was day or night. Without the sun and moon she had no way to gage the time, and as always she was in a hurry, running away from her mistakes. She was making a lot of them lately… though by 'lately' she meant within the last 400 years of course. Xena rolled her unseeing eyes.

At night she would wrap the reins around her wrist and lay down in the soft cold snow. Luckily it had been almost as cold when she had left the Zhus, so she was well dressed for the weather. Winter had come, and at night she would nestle down into a bed of snow while her horse would snort and stomp on the ground. She didn't trust this new horse to its own devices. Unlike Argo, who would barely leave her when she told him to, this horse was not familiar with Xena and his loyalty had probably not yet been won. During their rides Joxer – as she had named him – would stop occasionally to strip off the bark of a young tree or nibble at tufts of exposed dead grass. She didn't have to worry about water as it was frozen all around them, but she always made sure to melt some with a hot stone in a makeshift grass basket for her and Joxer so that they wouldn't freeze to death getting rehydrated. Hunting wasn't a big deal. She would simply listen to everything that was behind the sounds that she heard until she had singled out her prey. Then she would throw her well aimed chakram and it almost always hit its mark, though sometimes it would imbed itself in a tree that she hadn't known was in the way. She considered mistakes like that as minor setbacks, and would always eat eventually.

Days went by, then weeks, but still her eyes did not heal. In fact, the world around her seemed to be fading. She had to try harder and harder to hear but the sounds were slipping away. She took to curing all her meat over the fire in preparation of complete hearing loss. It was a good thing too for soon, though she did not know how soon, she was completely deaf. Xena was getting angry and cursed Eli, but even as she was determined never to give in to his demands the world was slipping away even more, and her surroundings slowly grew numb to the touch; she couldn't feel anything. On she rode, always keeping track of where the reigns aught to be and wrapping them around what she hoped was her hand. Xena stayed seated on the horse for fear of never making it back up onto its back. She fed herself handfuls of cured meat from her saddlebag though she didn't know it between the air and her hand. Time went by as it brought to her a reality check. She would have to give in to Eli's command. She hated her dependency on her lost body, but clearly it was her only link to the world, and it looked as though nobody else would intervene. Once again, she found herself unwillingly wondering where Aphrodite was as she cried out for Eli.

Immediately, he appeared.

The light that came from him was much softer, and there was a look of relief on his glowing face.

"Hello, Xena." He said wearily. "It's been too long."

"It will never be too long." She said nastily. She didn't mean it, but she was wounded and cornered, and that made her feisty.

"So you're turning back?" Eli was unfazed by her comment. He could see right through her.

"Yes." She said, defeated. She didn't say anything more.

"I will give you your senses back, then." He offered.

"How kind of you." Her voice became flat as she tried to keep the sarcasm out. She was unsuccessful.

Eli only smiled again and reached out with his right hand. Xena closed her eyes as he touched her on the forehead and warmth began to seep into her. It was the first thing she had felt in a while, and she embraced it with urgency, focusing completely on the pure feeling. As Eli faded soft fire light took his place, and the warmth took the form of a soft bed that enveloped her. She blinked and the scales on her eyes fell away to reveal anxious faces surrounding her. She smiled at them and relief broke their creased features.

Xena counted two men and a woman, all holding candles that cast shadows on their gaunt faces and put their nightgowns into flickering relief.

"We herd ya cry out for Eli." The woman said gently, setting down her candle and kneeling at Xena's side. "Ya been out fer days, hands out like ya were ridin' a pony, legs all straddling-"

"Annika!" The woman's mouth snapped shut at the rebuke. She opened it again.

"Am told ay got a big mouth." She shouted out one loud "Ha!" and switched gears "How are ya?"

Xena shivered. It was cold in the room despite the fire that crackled nearby, and she didn't like the idea of her sleeping fitfully in her twisted sheets, knees wide and bent toward the ceiling as she clicked her tongue and bounced her hips forward, urging on a horse that was long gone.

"Where am I?" She asked. One of the men opened his mouth, but Annika was already chattering on.

"Oh mai dear yer in Kirkiz acourse! It's a darn cold place full o' nothin' but its home! Thank Eli we found ya or you'd be lawng gawn what in the middle a winter like an' all. What were ya thinkin' going out in a cold like that?" She glared at her sternly. Xena noted that Eli's faith had spread so far north. When she did not reply Annika continued, "Found yer horse standin' not ten paces away all tackled up and all, starved half ta death but refusin' ta leave yer side! Mighty good friend ya got there, that's fer sure." Xena let her face break into a smile, but closed her eyes. She was exhausted and this woman made her head hurt. Not only did she talk a mile a minute, but she spoke a commoner's dialect of the language of Kirkiz, something that she had been exposed to only briefly while riding from Lao Ma's palace to where she and Borias had met Alti and the Northern Amazons. They hadn't stayed in Kirkiz very long as it had been desperately poor and had little to plunder. But, being driven as she was, Xena had learned as much of the language as she could during her journey through the land. She could understand most of what Annika said, at any rate.

"The poor girl is tired Annika, let her rest." Xena looked her relief at the speaker then closed her eyes again.

"Oh aright then, if ay must." Annika and the others shuffled out of the room and shut the door. Xena turned on her side and felt the weight of her body melt into a puddle on the soft straw bed. She didn't even notice when she fell asleep, but lay there pondering over what she would find back at the Zhu's farm. That was a reunion she wasn't looking forward to.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

The fire in the hearth faded, and Xena suddenly became aware of a chill that was shaking her whole body. There was no way of knowing the time, as there were no windows in her cavernous little bedroom. She decided to look for some warmth. After dressing, she opened the bedroom door and walked softly into a stone hallway. It was partially lit by flickering torches held in fixtures on the wall. She turned left out of her room and pulled one out of its bracket and held it out in front of her, but the light only lit a few feet before her. She felt dizzy, and reached out a hand to steady herself. Regaining balance, she proceeded down the

hallway, hand running along the stones to aid her uneasy steps.

She wandered through the passageways for what felt like an hour until she finally stumbled into a room that was occupied. She recognized one of the men from last night, and he quickly stood from his chair to steady her, for her knees were wobbling under her weight.

"Now now, you shouldn't be up and wandering about in the state you are in. Look at you! Let me help you back to bed." He turned back to the other three he had clearly just been meeting with. "Gentlemen, lady, I think we have solved enough for the morning. I will expect that all we discussed will be taken care of. Now if you will excuse me."

"I'm fine" Xena croaked, but she allowed him to put her arm over his shoulder and steer her back out the door. She despised her body as once again she found that it left her it a totally vulnerable state.

"I should have told you last night, there's a cord in your room that you can pull to call Annika. You haven't eaten for days, you're half starved, and last night was the first time we'd ever seen you alive and alert to the world around you. You need to give yourself more grace if you ever expect to recover from such a state." He had switched to Latin, since that had been the language she had used to protest. Xena was intensely grateful that he could speak it. In fact, he seemed to speak it well.

"A cord for Annika? Fancy place you've got here." Xena said, ignoring his lecture. The man switched gears at the note in her voice.

"Yes the people have worked hard building this house of God. It is a true testimony of the Almighty's work in people's hearts. He gives us his strength to build something out of nothing for His glory."

"Eli's god?" Xena asked, remembering him being mentioned by Annika the night before.

"The one true God." He nodded. "You must know of Him, you called to Him last night, and that brought you out of your sickness."

"He only lifted his own spell. Your god is a very stubborn and demanding deity."

"Yes." The man said, looking at her curiously, "He will do anything and everything to get our attention."

"Is that so?" Xena couldn't keep the anger out of her voice. The man considered her out of the corner of his eye. Xena stared right back. After a short staring contest the man burst out in boisterous laughter.

"Yes, He certainly threw His lightning bolts at me for a while before He finally got to me, but when Eli wins over a heart that heart is his. I ended up going to seminary school."

"Seminary?" Xena asked blankly.

"Yes, it's an academy for slaves-of-Eli who want to become a priest." Xena thought the man was charming, for being a religious nut. He couldn't be much worse than Najara at any rate.

"Is that where you learned to talk so pretty?" The man's rowdy laugh burst from him once more. Xena thought it was the laugh of a commoner.

"You guessed correctly my dear! I was indeed a commoner before I was driven by passion to go to school. It's a background that comes in handy when it comes to relating with most other slaves-of-Eli." Xena wondered how a commoner in this barren land could afford to go to an academy of any sorts, but kept the question to herself in case it was a touchy subject. However he had managed to go, they had sure taught him good manners. Xena appreciated his restraint from asking her too many prying questions. She should offer at least a little bit of information about herself, though. 

"I'm Xena." She offered him her free hand, and he took it awkwardly with the hand that wasn't holding her arm, the one right next to Xena. Left hand to left hand, they shook.

"I'm Misha." He said with a smile. "Is there anything I can do for you as you stay at my humble church?" Xena considered this for a moment.

"Do you have any scrolls that describe the character of your god?" Xena thought she should learn what kind of a god she was up against, since he seemed so involved in her 'destiny'.

"Yes!" Misha said in surprise. "You read?" He looked delighted.

"In Greek or latin, sometimes, yes. Not when I can help it." She said with a wry smile.

"I've been reminded many times by my friends that I have 'no sense for art.'" Misha laughed hard again.

"Is that so? Well, I hope then that these scrolls won't be lost on you. Most are very poetic. They are all in latin, though, so you're in luck."

"I have no appreciation for art, I'm not thick." Xena said flatly.

"Of course!" Misha blushed. "Sorry! I-"

"Don't be. You don't know me, why should I be offended by a miss-assumption?"

"Well put. See? You've got your own style with ideas."

"I have plenty of ideas. It's the beating around the bush that I don't like. I'm not one for sitting around dreaming in elaborate descriptions."

"Then I have just the scroll for you! It's still a little figurative at times, but very straight-to-the-point for most of it. And it's in Latin! As are most of our scrolls, though some are in Hebrew" Xena barely dared to wonder.

"Who's the author?" her curiosity was masterfully hidden under her casual tone.

"One of Eli's disciples who wrote it for the slaves-of-Eli in Rome. Scholars have narrowed the author down to Paul through guesswork and comparisons to actual signed works. Personally, I feel like something's a bit off with it. Not that there's something wrong with the writing itself, but who knows? It has been called the greatest theological document ever written you know. It covers some really heavy stuff, including God's sacrifice through Eli, the human condition, the meaning of our lives here on earth, how to deal with the trials of life, and the hope that we have in the world to come." Xena nodded in reply. She was both excited and afraid to read this work, as it had crossed her mind that it might be Gabrielle's letters. She remembered her writing to a few of Eli's followers to continue his message after his death. She couldn't recall if Romans had been among those under her guidance, however.

"Misha, why do you call yourselves slaves? I thought Eli had a message of love that was to be freeing."

"It was first given to us as a mocking insult, but we ended up embracing it. We are free, but not in the sense you mean. We are free from carrying the burdens of life on our own, free from the blame that everyone would otherwise have to bare were it not for Eli's sacrifice. But we are also slaves, again not in the common sense of the word. We make up the body of Eli, and we work for him out of love and gratitude, doing whatever He calls us to do the way your feet now obey your mind's command to walk. And we belong to Him, body, mind, and soul, for He purchased us with His life. He died so that He could satisfy the wrath of His God, who would have otherwise swallowed us up in His divine retribution, and for that we owe Him everything."

"Why shouldn't his god simply have forgiven us without the price?" She said, already knowing the answer. It was a price that must be paid, whether by the torment of one's own conscience and constant do-gooding in an attempt for redemption or by going to Tarterus… or hell.

"Because justice must be served, Xena. God is justice, He is everything that is good and whole. Without a perfect sacrifice on our behalf, we are too evil and dirty to stand in His glorious presence. We are too blameful to live on in His paradise." Xena's head started racing. Was this why she had been held in limbo, unable to go on to any sort of afterlife?

"What happens if you have done terrible things, but… have a relationship with Eli?" She asked.

"You must confess with your mouth that he is your Lord and Savior. Without allowing him to buy you as His own, you are not good enough for His paradise. Not even the most blameless person is good enough to go on to heaven without His help. My guess is that you would go to hell."

"Or be reborn in the karmic cycle." Xena said glumly. That hadn't been the response she had hoped for. Why had she not simply been judged?

"What's that?" Misha said curiously.

"Never mind." They had finally found her room. She extracted herself from his support and sat on the bed, leaning back on her arms. "Do you think you could get that scroll now? I hate waiting when I don't have to."

"Sure," Misha said good-naturedly. "I'll call Annika, too." He tugged at a piece of twine that hung from the ceiling by the door and left.

Soon Annika was beaming at Xena with bright rosy cheeks as she bustled into the room with a steaming bowl. She smelled slightly of alcohol.

"Mornin' deary!" She called out happily, "Good ta see ya up and cheery! Eli, it's cold in here! Lookit them purple lips! Let me stoke this fire, ya?" She set the bowl, a large mug, and a spoon on a rickety table at the bedside and bustled right back out. Xena smiled at her back as she disappeared around the corner. She didn't know what time is was, but she doubted it was late enough yet to start drinking. Then again if this was indeed Kirkiz it was at least conventional. Everyone she had met here before were borderline alcoholics. She tried to ignore the chemical scent that lingered in her absence and picked up the spoon to cool off a bit of the soup with her breath. It looked like thin broth and a bit of cabbage. She tasted it. How she was to gain weight back with this she wasn't sure, but it didn't taste too bad. Footsteps in the hallway made her look up again to see Annika rushing back into the room laden down with a pile of wood that completely obscured her face, refreshing the smell of alcohol and bringing the new scent of the outdoors.

"Don't get up naw, y'll faint!" She said shrilly. Xena hadn't moved to help her, so this only made her feel a little guilty. She continued to eat her soup as Annika rekindled the fire. It was crackling merrily once Xena had made her way through the soup and was reaching for the mug. Anikka was a fast worker. Xena brought it to her lips and coughed when the putrid fumes made her gag. Annika grinned at her.

"It'll wake y'up good and fast. That'll." Xena set the mug of alcohol down.

"Do you have any water?"

"T'is water! Oohhhh." Annika winked at Xena and chuckled. "Y'want rain water. Be back in a momint" She disappeared.

A knock proceeded Misha through the door. He handed her a new scroll with a smile. The smell of it filled Xena with nostalgia for Gabrielle. She took it gingerly from the religious man's hands and returned the smile.

"Thank you." She said.

"What?" She had said it in Greek. For the first time she realized she had never learned the words for thank you in the Kirkiz language. She felt a wave of revulsion for the kind of person she used to be.

"Thank you," she said again, this time in Latin.

"Yes of course. I hope you find your answers in there. I will be back with Sasha to answer any questions, to just to discuss in general.

Xena settled back into bed to read.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Xena sipped at the glass of water Annika had brought her and read. Xena hadn't usually read Gabrielle's finished scrolls, so she was at a loss as to how to recognize her friend in the words. It was well written, as far as she could tell. She wasn't bored to tears at any rate. There were some things in there that confused her a little. For instance, why did the writer claim multiple times that Eli's god was the only god? Xena knew more than anybody that other gods existed. She could see how people could find this faith enticing, as it offered them redemption and unfailing love. She was intrigued by some of the ideas but couldn't really see herself claiming the title of 'slaves-of-Eli,' though she admitted it would probably be healthier for her rather than being a slave of her own guilt. She had tasted the redemption Eli could give, and it had been a sweet liqueur that had burned pleasantly in her throat and washed away her pain. After her initial release, she had found that she was slowly dragging herself back into the cavern of guilt that had driven her insane in the first place. Without being able to help out people in need, without Eli or Gabrielle to encourage her, she was watching herself slowly start to slip.

The scroll illuminated what it was that Eli was probably asking her to do. He wanted her to be his friend, his ally, his soldier. He wanted her respect, her obedience, her sword. He wanted her heart. But her heart belonged solely to Gabrielle. She wasn't sure if she had enough good in her to dedicate to them both.

Where was Gabrielle? The feeling of not knowing gnawed at Xena as she wondered if she could ever see her again. She just wanted to lay eyes on Gabrielle's beautiful soul once more, just to make sure she was happy. After visiting the Zhu's she would go straight back to Greece and ask Aphrodite to help her find Gabrielle. Xena figured she probably already knew. After all, Aphrodite had loved the little bard. Xena wasn't sure if she could wait.

"Aphrodite?" Xena whispered.

"She can't hear you." It was Eli.

"Why not? Eli, is she alright?"

"Oh yes, of course! She's still immortal and fit as a fiddle but she's lost all her powers without any worshipers. She can hear your prayer on a good day, but there is nothing she can do about it but walk the earth in search of your soul. She'd recognize you again, though."

"I highly doubt it. I barely recognize _myself_! Why did you do that, by the way?"

"Do what, make you look Chinese? I didn't, Xena. You did that. And now it looks as though you've undone it."

"What?" Eli gently took Xena's hand and pulled her out of bed, then gestured behind her. She used Eli's hand to turn and saw herself laying on the bed, the scroll slipping out of her hands and her eyes starring dully out of her head. She hardly noticed her familiar features. "Now what have you done?" She said angrily. Hadn't she just assented to do Eli's bidding based on the agreement that she could stay in that body?

"Nothing!" Eli laughed nervously. "Your body can live on without you, though with no soul it's just an empty shell." He took her body's chin in his hand and moved her head side to side. The eyes stared blankly out of her head, moving perfectly with her head as if glued, staring at nothing like the eyes of a doll. It was creepy. She crossed her arms squarely and waited until he straightened back up and looked at her.

"Eli, I want some answers. I'm not waiting any longer." Eli nodded and sat down on the bed. Xena tried to follow him, but found she was stuck floating in air again. He held out his hand and she took it, using it to pull herself back into her body. Xena tried to brush off that moment of panic like it hadn't happened. Once again she spared a moment to hate being helpless, and to hate being dependant on Eli even more. She sat up and faced him again.

"Eli, why didn't I die?"

"Remember the ambrosia?"

Xena raked her brains of all of her encounters of the ambrosia. But never had she eaten some. Except…

"When Gabrielle brought me bake to life." She had cherished all of her memories with Gabrielle, so it wasn't hard to think back to that horrible incident in their second year of traveling together. A great battering ram had hit her as she had pushed a young girl out of its way. She had hit her head hard on a tree and died a few weeks later in the hut of a healer. But she had come back. Gabrielle had placed a small amount of ambrosia in her mouth, and she had awakened, clammy and stiff. But that was only supposed to bring her back once, and only once. She hadn't eaten enough to become immortal. And to prove it, she had died again. A couple of times. She allowed herself to look her confusion.

"Yes. But she gave you bit too much of it."

"You mean I'm a god? Eli, then why am I not immortal?" Xena was trying to trust that there was a method to his madness, but such a method had yet to be illuminated.

"You are not a god, but it did give you a taste of immortality. It anchored your soul to this earth."

That statement could be interpreted in so many ways, but she thought she could see a thread of sense. "What about the other times I died, after I ate the ambrosia?"

"Yes, like I said, it only gave you a taste. It did not make your body invincible to attack, but as long as your body was able, it would eventually heal itself and pull you back out of the spirit world."

Xena's eyes flared, and she forced herself not to over react. "You mean the time Gabrielle and I went to heaven you never really brought me back to life?"

"No, well I kind of did. That resurrection, and all the others, were mostly due to your spirit's healing powers and its incapacity to move on to a new life, either dead or recycled." She should have at least been thankful for him since he had brought Gabrielle back from the dead, but Xena was taken aback. Why had he taken credit for it? Remembering that adventure she realized that he had admitted, 'It wasn't me. Well, at least not all me.' Xena had thought that he was just giving his god credit. "When you were attacking heaven I had no choice but to pull you back into your body a bit prematurely, which allowed a bit of your soul to escape the transition, leaving it to follow your body around like a shadow, not completely connected. You have such an affinity with your chakram that it fixed things for you. You let a bit of the lighter half of your soul into the chakram of light, and when you repaired the chakram of darkness your other darker half found refuge there. When you added them together, neutralizing their power, you healed the mistake and your spirit became one once more."

"How was it that I did not have an out-of-body experience, if the two halves of my soul were in my weapons?"

"Your two halves were simply reaching a hand out to the two chakrams. There they reconnected, and the rest of your fractured soul followed like the marriage of two bubbles of oil."

"My body was cremated. How did I come to live in it again?" Somehow she already knew the answer.

"You asked for my help. I am not one to withhold what is right for a person when asked."

Well, Xena hadn't asked for help from this god, particularly, but she wasn't about to argue. She was even quite thankful, but she needed more information than that. She raised her eyebrows, and the Eli needed no further prompting.

"Your body is a loan. It is made out of modified earth, not the flesh of your mother. I have given your soul reign over it. You have the ability not only to direct its movements from the brain, but with enough focus you can seize hold of your body with the limbs of your spirit, making your body move in sync with your thoughts instead of following instructions from the brain. You may also reach out from your body to touch the soul of another, and so long as you remain in contact with a part of your body you will be able to move around both out and back into it. If you loose contact with it, you will again be at the mercy of the elements, seeing as how your soul has no matter or weight to anchor it down." There was a pause.

"So why can't I live in my body as I did in the one I was born in? Why can't I sleep and why am I so clumsy?"

"Because it's not truly yours. If someone lost their skin in a horrible accident with Greek fire and tried to replace it with snake skin it would protect them from most everyday harm but the scales would rub and scratch painfully against their open wounds. Even the softest lamb skin would wrinkle and chafe. It's not a perfect solution, but it makes for a good temporary one."

"Temporary? What else could you do for me? And why wait?"

"I have a plan for you Xena, don't worry." Xena studied Eli hard. She hated being left in the dark almost as much as being so dependant on Eli. She let herself hate him for a moment before realizing where she would be without him. She blinked and softened her gaze.

"How long are you letting me inhabit this 'loan'?"

"Until you find something better, and as long as you follow my direct requests. I'll only ask you to do what is best for you, I hope you know. I care about you."

"Funny way to show it, being so heavy handed." Her tone was light.

"I have to counteract your headstrong tendencies, don't I?" He teased with a grin. Xena allowed him a small smile, but forced herself not to laugh. She was very relieved he wasn't going to try to force her to finish off the Olympian gods. She would rather float around in a cloud for eternity rather than hurt Aphrodite. She even owed Ares too much to go against him for no reason other than another jealous god's demand. She was starting to doubt that _that_ was Eli's god's intention anyway. Assuming it wasn't, she was starting to accept Eli's plan as the journey she was going to take. At least for now. And if she was to kill more gods? Well, she wasn't about to become a pawn. She was not someone to be played with. She looked at Eli, who for once seemed to be trying to mind his own business and _not_ read her heart.

"Eli, why did you wait so long to tell me all this?" Eli looked up from his twirling thumbs and smiled.

"Would you really have believed me two months ago? Would you have accepted my command as being something that might be good for you? Without my selfless forgiveness, would you have believed that I had given you a body for your benefit and yours alone? Would you have realized that I was _not_ only out for myself?

"I'm still not totally convinced that you won't start calling in the favors. Besides, I hardly accepted your little 'command' willingly, Eli."

"But there's a glimmer of truth in there, Xena. You accept that whatever waits back in Chin for you might really be good for you."

"I accept that _you think_ that whatever's back there might be good for me. I'm withholding judgment until I know what's going on." Eli snapped his fingers.

"And that's good enough for me! …Well, I mean it's a start." He smiled. "Xena, why is it so hard for you to trust people?"

"I've been burned one too many times before. I expect the unexpected."

"No you don't. The unexpected for you is selfless giving, and you never believe it when you see it. I suppose it makes sense for a Greek woman to not trust a god, looking at what the Greek gods are like, but I would have expected after Gabrielle-" Eli didn't miss Xena's sharp intake of breath. "Xena, I promise you that you will see her again. It was a match that was literally made in heaven, and I'm not about to let that link be broken."

"No. I'm bad for her, Eli. I bring her nothing but death."

"No Xena, you're wrong. You two complete each other. You _will_ be whole once more."

"Eli, this is a part of my life that you _do not touch._ I know what I'm doing here, and you need to respect my decision." All thoughts of asking Eli to tell her about Gabrielle disappeared. He was already meddling too much in her life. "Promise me you will not contact her. I don't want her fresh soul knowing about her past."

"Xena-"

"No! You promise me!" Tears started forming in Xena's eyes as she remembered when those words had been spoken to her just as forcefully. Gabrielle had demanded that she promise that she would not become a vengeful monster if she, Gabrielle, ever died. Xena had been good on her promise, but only because there was no one left alive to kill.

Eli reached an arm around Xena to comfort her, but quickly withdrew it at the look she gave him. He sucked on his finger as if bitten.

"Alright, I promise." He said around his hand, "But I don't think you are making the right choice. You don't know what she's been through."

"Is she ok?" Xena forwent caution to ask the question that had been driving her nearly insane. She had Eli's promise, though what that meant she wasn't sure. It was a mute point as the urgency she felt to protect her best friend had become uncontainable.

"She's alive, and she has friends. The rest of her story remains up to her to tell you. It is not my place." Will she even be able to remember? Maybe seeing Xena would jog her memory. If not, Xena knew of a ceremony that would bring her back, if it ever came to that. _Which it won't._ Xena thought sternly.

"You sound so certain we will find each other."

"You will. But Xena- beware your own passion. Do not let your need for her misguide you. You must let me be first in your life, both in trusting me and submitting to my guidance. Come to me first for direction. I won't steer you wrong, but love can be a trick played on fools. Don't be a fool."

"I respect you Eli, but no one could ever come before Gabrielle in my heart." Eli shook his head sadly.

"I am afraid that will only bring you sadness. But you've always been the type that had to make her own mistakes before she learned."

"I think it's time for you to go. I've asked all my questions." Xena watched him get up to leave. He turned back to look at her once more when he reached the door.

"Keep me close to your heart, Xena. I can be your support and your moral compass."

"Sure, thanks, Eli." And with that, Eli dissolved like heated air.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Xena lay back on her pillow and continued reading her scrolls. She blinked, then re-read. She sat up, looking around. Seeing and hearing no one, she read aloud;

"…'you shall love your neighbor as yourself.' **10**Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. **11** Besides this you know what hour it is, how it is full time now for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed; **12** the night is far gone, the day is at hand. Let us then cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light."

Xena set down the scroll and stared into the fire, remembering.

...

_Gabrielle was pacing by the fire, sucking on the sharpened tip of a quill, her face and hands covered in ink. It was her restless tongue that brought the question from Xena._

"_What are you muttering to yourself?" She asked the bard._

"_You shall love your neighbor as yourself. That's what Eli said, wasn't it? I'm trying to remember his wording. And I'm not sure about the rest of it, either." She picked up her scroll and read aloud the last paragraph. "What d'you think? Too preachy?"_

"_Well you're supposed to be preaching, aren't you?" Xena said through a yawn, "They're asking for your guidance, you should give it to them."_

"_I know, but it's a lot of pressure having this authority. What if I don't stay true to Eli's message?"_

"_Then I'm sure he'll throw fire bolts down and cook you. No big deal Gabrielle, don't worry about it."_

"_But it's a huge deal!" The bard was getting excited. "It's a message of truth that people must hear! Oh WHY did Eli not keep his own scrolls? It would be so much easier if I had a journal or something to reference!"_

"_I dunno. Gabrielle, go to bed." The bard sighed and flopped down on the other side of the fire from Xena. _

"_No, you go ahead. I've got to finish this letter first. Paul left this one up to me, I can't let him down."_

"_He left it to you because you're a master at the love thing. Just let go, it'll come to you." Gabrielle nodded absent-mindedly, suddenly scribbling on with urgency. Xena rolled over and closed her eyes, hoping this meant Gabrielle had overcome her writer's block and would soon come to bed. She fell asleep waiting._

_..._

A single tear rolled down her cheek as the details of that night became clear to Xena for the first time in over 400 years. She was holding solid proof in her hands that Gabrielle had lived and breathed, that she had camped and shared so many things with her. She cradled the document in her arms, trying not to let her tears fall on the precious parchment.

How many times Xena re-read that small paragraph she didn't know, but she was eventually interrupted by a knock at the door. Xena's tears had dried away, but her voice cracked a bit as she called out her permission for the visitor to enter. A man that she recognized from the night before came in, followed by Misha. Unlike last night the light from the fire was bright, and it lit up the first man's fiery white hair and blood-red eyes. She had seen an albino before, and was careful not to stare.

"Well?" Misha said, clapping his hands together. "How is it going?"

"I recognize its writing. It… reminds me of a friend I once had. It's wonderful to read such words." The warmth of her own smile spread through her, calming her and making her strong.

"The gospel is not a gift to make one happy. The gospel is a truth by which God will transform." The albino lips barely moved with their whisper, but Xena targeted the speaker immediately with her eyes. Another die-hard slave of Eli. She tried to be patient with them, after all her daughter had been Eli's messenger.

"So did you go to seminary school as well?" Xena's voice was light and conversational. She was careful not to betray her exasperation. She tried to have patience with extreme religious devotion, after all, her daughter had been the messenger of Eli. The man nodded and looked at his toes.

"Oh, right! Your time here has proven me as being a terrible host. This is Vladimir. Vladimir this, as you already know, is Xena."

"So were you a commoner, too?" She asked Vladimir.

"You were a commoner?" Vladimir's voice was slow and methodical, again barely above a whisper. Xena raised her eyebrow at Misha. He was blushing furiously, but stuck out his chin.

"Yes. Yes, I was."

"Nothing wrong with that." Said Vladimir. Without his robe Xena was sure he would disappear from sight, like a translucent shadow. He was strangely beautiful. He brushed some of his wild hair off of his face. "I wish I had been raised by simple farmers." Misha blushed even harder.

"Well, anyway Xena, I'm glad to see you so happy with the word of God. In fact, I think you can keep it! You seem like a woman with places to go, and I would feel better if the word of God could follow you." Xena allowed herself to look her surprise at Misha's words. She stood and placed her hand on his shoulder, looking at him straight in the eye. She stood an inch above him, and he seemed a little intimidated.

"Thank you, Misha." She said warmly, giving his shoulder a firm squeeze. "You don't know what this scroll means to me."

"Just promise me one thing;" Misha said, laughing nervously, "just say you'll read what's behind the words as well as letting the actual words bring you comfort. Don't let your memories get in the way of the truth."

"Oh, I will." She said, perhaps a little sarcastically. "I'll see if any of it helps me. Then I will decide on what path to take." She thought she sounded a little cryptic, but she didn't want to give too much away.

"The gospel is not a decision to make. It is a truth to receive and embrace with faith." Xena raised both her eyebrows at Vladimir. He seemed to surpass even Xena with clever one-liners. They seemed to make up his entire speech pattern.

"So when can I leave?" Now that she wasn't tied down by the desire to read the scroll dowel to dowel Xena was antsy to go. She might as well get the whole dirty business over with and go to the Zhu's, besides she hated staying in one place.

"You don't have any questions for us? I'd love to sit down and have a theological discussion."

"No, Misha, maybe some other time." Like she'd ever come back to this desolate place.

"You'll come back?" Misha sounded surprised. Xena had to admit she owed these people a lot.

"No, I don't think so." She said. The two men looked at each other. Misha looked befuddled, but Vladimir had a wry smile on his face. "But thank you for all your hospitality. If I still had my money…"

"It seems you were stripped of it before we got to you."

"That would explain why I was on the ground. Although, why wouldn't they take Joxer… My horse," she added in response to their confused faces.

At this Misha smiled. "Oh, I think he put up a bit of a fight, if I had to hazard a guess. There seemed to have been a lot of scuffing around where we found you. I'm no tracker, but it wouldn't have taken a genius to see a battle there."

Xena was surprised. She would have guessed that Joxer would have been too flighty to stay and fight on anyone's behalf.

"Where _is_ Joxer?" Xena asked, suddenly concerned for her horse.

"Oh, he's being cared for. Would you like to see him?"

"I'd like to leave with him."

Xena did not enjoy the look of disappointment on Misha's face. _Give it up, Misha._ Xena thought.

"Look, I'm on a mission, and I want to get it over with as quickly as possible. I am grateful for your hospitality, but really I can't stay." Misha nodded, trying to look more cheerful. Xena saw right through him though and shrugged off her guilt. At least she wouldn't be taking advantage of their kindness anymore; she didn't want to eat them out of house and home… or their temple, or whatever. What Xena was doing was for the best. She looked to Vladimir for help, and he nodded.

"Misha." Vladimir said just as quietly as before, "You can't capture the wind." Xena hid a snort of laughter with a cough. Vladimir was growing on her. That was something Gabrielle would have said about her. She frowned, thinking of her cheery little companion, the love of a life too long lived. And, if Eli was right, she'd be living without her another few millennia, into an uncertain amount of time. She'd be completely alone, except for Eli who kept popping up randomly, and eventually Aphrodite, once she found her. Xena hoped against hope she wouldn't run into Ares. She couldn't imagine dealing with him following her around forever like a temperamental puppy. If Aphrodite had no powers she very much doubted that Ares did, but that wouldn't make him any less manipulative.

Misha cleared his throat gently and looked at her expectantly. Xena made an, 'aaand, what do you want?' gesture, complete with a face.

"Sorry, I was just saying that you should come up with me and, um, get some supplies or something from um, Nika. For your trip?"

"I'm sure we'll find enough to eat on the road, Misha."

"Follow me."

Misha looked a little concerned, and he stumbled over his words nervously as they walked through the stone passages. Xena wondered if she really had so much against Ares that the look that came to her face as she thought of him brought a touch of fear to Misha's voice. After all, Ares had saved Gabrielle and her daughter, had saved Xena's life in doing so, and at a great personal loss, too. She was indebted to him to this day, though she had returned him to his godhood. Even still, the idea of being followed and harassed into eternity did not appeal to her in the slightest.

The small party was greeted by a cheerful and rosy-cheeked Annika as they stepped into her little kitchen. Soon Xena was laden down with a couple week's worth of cured meat and a bag of horse feed. The Slaves-of-Eli had tried to insist that she take more, but she was barely convinced that she would die without what they did give her. She hadn't been through this country in the dead of winter, though, so she heeded their advice to an extent.

"Yer skin 'n bones, ya lil' turkey! Gwan! Here, take it!" Her name and accusation had sounded like a bit of an oxymoron, but Xena finally sighed and assented to take one bulging package from Annika, leaving the other two in the young woman's arms. She threw the remaining down hard on a wooden table and glared at Xena, but it didn't take long for her face to break back into a smile. She raised a bottle to her lips and said over the ceramic, "Yer a tough cookie ta crack, that ya are, yesssir!" She took a hardy swig and winked. Xena couldn't help but return the smile.

"Yes Annika, I like doing things my way." Xena said, and walked out the door, following Misha and Sasha to her horse with one large parcel under each arm. Annika bustled after her with her own load.

"What now?" Xena said, half annoyed and half amused.

"Oh don't ya worry 'bout a thing, ya hear? This here's fer me!" Xena sighed and didn't push further. She had a feeling that she was lying, but let it rest. If she was that Tartarus-bent on sending her off well equipped, then maybe she shouldn't insult her by continuing to refuse. This was hard to do, as this meant she had to swallow her pride and accept more charity.

Sure enough, Xena caught Annika tucking something into one of her saddlebags out of the corner of her eye, then saw her scurry away again. Xena took a breath, and let it go.

"Misha," Xena said, catching his hand in her own, "take my horse."

"What? …No!" He looked appalled.

"Misha, you saved my life…"

"Xena, you're horse saved your life. We just took you in. Besides, you are about to cross a frozen tundra that stretches out for weeks of travel. You would die out there. I would know, this is my home."

Xena opened her mouth but Misha waived her down.

"Ya wanna do WHAT? What are ya crazy or summat? Git outa here, and take that damned horse, we don wan him. Too skinny, see! Now git outa here afore we change our mind and eat him! G'wan!

Xena furrowed her brow but mounted Joxer. She had argued enough with these people, at this point she just wanted to go. She reached for the reigns but Vladimir had already grabbed hold of them.

"Xena, don't forget about us. And don't forget about Eli. He loves you."

"So I heard. Vladimir-" Xena reached down to him, and Vladimir put his hand in hers. Xena squeezed his hand tight, and let her spirit grab tighter. A rush of love swept through her as she felt the soul of her daughter in the albino's hand. She opened her eyes and smiled at Vladimir, who looked unnerved for the first time since they had met.

"Xena, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes."

"My past is made of more than mistakes, Vladimir." She smiled, a tear in her eye. He must have felt a bit of her soul upon contact, too. "It was good meeting you. I – maybe I'll come back, someday." Vladimir nodded, looking as though he was not quite sure of what had just happened. Misha looked interested.

"Good bye Misha, Annika." Joxer stomped on the ground as Xena made him turn on the spot. Misha and Annika opened the doors wide and Xena rode out into a world of glaring light.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Xena resented Eli during her journey from Kirkiz all the way to the Wei kingdom, but as soon as she reached the Zhu family she had a change of heart. Not only did the family welcome her as a lost sister, but the task that soon became evident that she had to do was, surprisingly, something she could look forward to.

"Who goes there!" An angry Liang had a firm grip on his pitchfork, but he wasn't pointing it at her. Chen's nervous face appeared in the doorway, and small eyes could be seen peaking around her.

"Liang, it's me, Xena." Xena said, exasperated.

"You sure don't look like her," he said, setting the sharp points of the pitchfork on the ground and leaning on it. Xena immediately understood. She still looked like her old self.

"Well, it is, I'm just… morphing back and forth between Greek and Chinese, that's all." She smiled at him, wishing once more that she looked Chinese.

"Prove it." Liang said gruffly.

They all flinched when she suddenly drew her sharp weapon from her belt, bouncing it from object to object until it returned to her hand. Her identity out of the question, they ran out to greet her warmly.

"Xena, we've been afraid of the worst for you! You left during such a horrid season-" Xena was surprised at the speaker, "-and it would have been all my fault if something had happened to you and we never would have known one way or another and oh I've been so scared!" Bao finished. Xena raised her eyebrows and responded by giving the girl a one-armed hug. Bao clutched her tightly as if she would never let go. Carefully, Xena reached into Bao's heart, suddenly convinced that she had found Gabrielle. Her essence was a warm rich red, and it overflowed with innocence and kindness. But it wasn't Gabrielle. Sadly, she looked down at Bao's smooth black hair.

"It's good to see you too, kid." Xena smiled down at the girl that barely passed her midriff for a moment before releasing her. The child unwrapped herself reluctantly from Xena, giving her a look of confusion.

"Please, come in!" Chen gestured with an exuberant grin, "I only just finished supper, it's still good and hot! It's not you're favorite, but it has chicken in it!" The thought of meat that hadn't been smoked to death or thoroughly burned by Xena's sub-par cooking skills brought a smile to her face, and she followed the family into the house without a thought of protest.

"Where - on earth - did you go in such a hurry?" Liang asked her over dinner. It was clear that no one else was going to come up with the nerve to ask her this question. Even Liang hesitated through his words.

"Kirkiz." Xena replied simply. "Wasn't much to do there, so I decided to come back… for the time being." Liang twitched this away in one small movement of his head, and continued smiling at her. He wanted her to stay forever; his family could use the help on the farm, especially after he left. "Anything happen while I was away?" Xena never liked to waste time. She needed to figure out her mission and get the Tartarus out of there.

"Yes." Liang said sadly, suddenly serious. "Emperor Shizu has decreed that one male from every family must join his army for a war against the Rouran, the barbarians in the north." Xena looked, startled, to the three-year-old Shing, but Liang shook his head. "I would go, of course." Of course.

"No, you wont." Xena said firmly. This was too easy. Why would Eli want her to take the place of one old man? It was so strange that she actually laughed out loud. There had to be more to it than that. "I'll go."

"But you don't even look Chinese! _We_ barely even recognized you!"

"Don't worry about that." Xena said smoothly, "It'll be fixed by the morning."

He looked startled, but quickly went with it, "Besides you are a woman! You cannot fight in my place!"

"Watch me." She said, a fire in her eye. This was something she was good at. It was painful putting off finding Aphrodite, but Gabrielle would have to wait. Eli had made sure of that. But if he was confident that Xena would see her once more, she supposed she shouldn't worry. After all, she knew Eli to be an honest soul, and he had sounded most sincere when talking of how they would meet again. She took this to hopefully mean that she would be allowed to look in on Gabrielle's life just to make sure she was happy, though the thought of only being given a glimpse of her beloved soul mate made her heart ache. She wanted to hold the bard close and feel the warmth of her solid, warm body once more.

"No." Liang said firmly. "This is my home for me to protect. I leave in the morning." Xena shrugged nonchalantly.

"Well then, shall we head to bed?" her voice was calm and soothing, it didn't betray the tension in her heart. There, in her chest, the blood lust had returned and was boiling over with adrenaline.

"I- well-" Shing hadn't even finished with his meal, and his grandfather stuttered in defense of his supper. Liang sensed the warrior's bloodlust, and he quaked in its shadow, but he had to feed his son just as much as he needed to pacify this young female warrior. He wasn't about to let his grandson starve. "Sure, I guess. Shing, bring your plate to bed. I will tell you a story there."

Shing smiled with rosy cheeks and obeyed happily, completely unaffected by Xena's charged features. His two sisters scurried away after him, silently in awe of the warrior. Xena stood up. Though she felt guilty about it, she was in no place to stay and help Chen clean. Her feet didn't make a sound as she moved through the house. She knew where she would find it, both instinctively and with a simple deduction from the sparse options. As she went through the heavy wooden chest in the master bedroom she listened to the distant hum of Liang's voice as he told ancient tales to his beloved grand children. Xena would make sure that bond would not be broken by distance or death. Piece after leather piece she dressed herself in Liang's armor, and as she finished strapping down the last piece of armor, Chen's pale face looked around the door. Xena was immediately on the defensive, but she waited for Chen to speak.

"Let me do your hair for you." Xena relaxed her tensed muscles and allowed herself to be steered to a spindly-legged low bench, where she sat down carefully. Chen took a brush out of a drawer and gently brushed out the months of neglect. Once it had been untangled Chen divided Xena's hair in half and made a long braid on each side of her head. Stepping back to admire her work, she gave Xena a small smile.

"You'd better morph into a more masculine version of yourself this time… Xena." She suddenly became serious. "I am so thankful you have come back to save my husband. He is too old, too crippled to go out and fight anyone. He deserves a more peaceful death. You're giving this to him. I don't know if I could ever truly thank you as I should." A small tear of relief was now trickling down her cheek.

"Chen." Xena hesitated, "I am the reason Junjie died." Xena closed her eyes, unwilling to see the look of pain on Chen's face. "He died protecting me from my enemy while I myself was too weak to raise my sword." She forced her eyes open. "You owe me nothing." Chen's face was not as wrought with anger and affliction as Xena had anticipated. Maybe the old woman had already figured this out for herself. Chen simply nodded and watched as Xena squared her shoulders and walked straight through the house and out into the cold night air.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Xena read through the scroll Mischa had given her. As she read she realized that only bits and pieces of it were Gabrielle's words. She treasured it nonetheless.

The scroll was riddled with oxymorons. Eli's god was wrathful and vengeful, yet his message was one of peace and love. It claimed that all love came from their god, all evil from the absence of their god, yet they categorized and split love into different types, cherishing some and condemning others. Hating love for an idol she could understand, seeing as this god was very jealous in his love. As for her love of Gabrielle, Eli himself had said Xena's soul match was made in heaven, implying that he had used his own two hands to mold their relationship, yet this was a love that the scroll condemned. Cleary there had been a miscommunication somewhere, or, more likely, the author had injected his own bigoted beliefs among the words of their lord. This only made her blood boil.

There were leads as to what kind of a god she was up against, and it didn't look good. He is loving yet commanding, and these attributes were really starting to rub her the wrong way. Had Eli simply forgotten about Gabrielle and Xena's burning desire to see for herself that she was ok?

"No." a soft voice spoke from her heart and into her brain. It was foreign, intrusive, it was not her voice and it did not belong there. Xena tensed up. "She will come to you, Xena, just do as I command and everything would work out for the better." Xena recognized Eli's voice.

"Mind your own business." She hissed. She just might have to cut off that big nose of his. "Yeah, I read about that in that scroll, but I'm not completely convinced that we see eye-to-eye about what's good for me." Eli smiled at her. She was a step ahead of him.

"Eli, what am I facing here?"

"One of poison, one of sugar. Keep your guard up, Xena. Don't let your love blind you."

"Are you serious? Eli, you've got to give me more than just riddles!"

"Trust me Xena. I will guide you through it if you let me."

"Get outa here!" Xena was feeling an enormous frustration from being left in the dark. She was finally able to sympathize with Gabrielle. But Gabrielle had much more patience than she. Xena smothered this voice in her heart with all the concentration she could muster. Eli's presence died then vanished. Xena let out a huff of frustration. Getting up, she began to pack away all her belongings, even though it was still early in the night. She couldn't sleep with so much pent up anger inside of her. How could Eli expect her to be content with being a foot soldier in some gods forsaken war without knowing for sure, without being certain of Gabrielle's good health. She would give it a year, she decided, and if Gabrielle hadn't "found her," she'd fake her death, desert, and go straight to see Aphrodite. She considered if she should start sending the fallen god her prayers to try to get Aphrodite to come find her, instead of the other way around. Somehow she thought that Eli would not find this as being true to their agreement. Xena put a hand to her forehead and then flung it away while shaking her head in a pure rush of anger. Eli had better have a damned good reason for sending her on this mission.

She finally arrived at the boot camp a couple days walk later. There, she registered as Zhu Junjie, hoping that her features had taken on a more masculine form. Perhaps she should consider growing facial hair. She wouldn't mind that, but she would draw the line at her waist. She refused to _actually_ become a man. It simply wasn't her cup of tea. In fact, the idea repulsed her the same way imagining being with Ares again nearly makes her want to throw up. Male jewels themselves were all right, and damn useful, but she would never wish to have one herself.

The encampment itself look well-organized, and look outs were always posted. These were a people who truly knew the way of war. Right away Xena was put into a training group to learn their native Kung Fu. She tried not to be too good at it, but her natural talents shone through, and she quickly mastered the art. Only one month later she was deployed to another camp that was closer to the enemy.

She gained respect wherever she was. She had grown a thin mustache and strapped down her chest to make it flat like a man's. She was even allowed the privacy of her own bush and bath. She was short and prickly with everyone, so they dared not come anywhere near where she was if they could help it. Admittedly, she had been forced to bash a few heads who weren't smart enough to catch on as fast, but she made sure her message was received. She had no friends, nor did she have any interest in making friends.

Until one day.

She was practicing her forms in the new encampment when she saw him. He was a high-ranking Aravt, or one of the ten under the Emperor, based on the armor he wore. This wasn't what caught her eye, however. It happened like this; he locked eyes with her from across the clearing and something cold leaped inside of her, and she was suddenly filled with something familiar, the essence of a person or place she could almost recognize, though if it was good or bad she could not tell. It was over in a moment, he broke the connection and continued walking, shoulders back and chin up, like a warrior.

_What on earth was that about?_ Xena watched his back as he flung open the cloth door and disappeared into a tent. What had she felt? She it troubled her that she couldn't decide if it was good or bad. After all, Gabrielle had made her stomach flip around inside of her at times the same way the adrenaline would surge when she was within an inch of death in a fight. Perhaps He was just a very powerful person, a threat to watch vigilantly. Whoever he was, Xena had to find out.


	20. Chapter 20

_Thank you to Stardawn19 for editing this chapter and helping me make it more potent!_

**Chapter 20**

Xena asked about the strange man as the subject came up, but these casual interrogations were far and few between. She did not want to suddenly become chatty with the other soldiers after being so cold, as this would draw some questions. She wanted to keep as low a profile as possible. Also, most did not know who she was talking about as he had made himself scarce since Xena had spotted him, and she was forced to conclude that he was too highly ranked to spend time in her camp. So Xena decided she would simply keep out a watchful eye and a sharp ear.

Even with all her diligence Xena did not discover anything new about the mysterious man for the next six months. She had been sent into battle against the northern nomads several times, and they won most of their fights, largely do to Xena. She slowly earned the respect of her superiors and was soon given the title 'Noyan' and put in charge of one thousand men. Eli warned her about becoming too involved with the war, and Xena heeded his advise, often biting her tongue and allowed her dim-witted superiors to stumble along with their faulty strategies, leading them blindly into battles that should have been easily won. Eli had earned her respect since visiting his 'church' in Kirkiz, or at least enough respect to heed his advice, and he helped her keep a level head. Try as she must however, she only had so much patience before she would loose it with these people, and in spite of Eli's promises that there was something important that she must find there, she started plotting her escape. She needed to make it look like she died, because if it was found out that Xena had deserted, they would go after the Zhu family. She was slowly accepting this risk. She needed to find Gabrielle. She didn't see how anything here where Eli wanted could be worth more than finding Gabrielle and making sure she was safe. The only thing that kept her in the army was the slight chance of meeting this mysterious man once more.

...

Little did she know, she had had much the same effect on the well-dressed official she had glimpsed. He was an Aravt, the highest leader of the army besides the Emperor. He did some undercover research and found out what little there was to know about the boy warrior. When they met again, it was under the most bizarre circumstance.

...

It was another day of battle and Xena dressed accordingly. She refused all offers of help with her armor for fear of discovery. She had taught herself how to bend in ways that allowed her the privacy of independence. She no longer had to worry about anyone waking and seeing her as she had been promoted to her own tent, and took full advantage of the perks this afforded her.

Although she was glad to be independent, she couldn't help but miss Gabrielle during the daily ritual. Before Gabrielle she had always cared for herself, dressing her own wounds and strapping on her own armor. Even when she was crippled she did not allow Borias to help her with anything. She worked alone, until Gabrielle. Gabrielle taught her to open up, to allow someone to assist her, to humble herself enough to ask for help, even when she didn't need it. Gabrielle had usually insisted that she help her unstrap that stubborn scabbard from her back, to undo her armor's buckles that were placed so awkwardly under her armpit. Xena had shivered at every touch, and now she ached with their absence.

...

The Aravt had heard that this strange young warrior would be fighting alongside his own regime that day. His curiosity had not diminished in any way over the months. The fact that he heard that she made a formidable opponent only increased

...

The battlefield was cold and silent in the early morning. The Chin army could see nothing through the mist. Xena led those under her command as quietly as they could through the trees that encircled the frosty spring field. Her Zuut, a leader one level above her, had taken her advice on this particular part and had ordered all the available Wei kingdom troops to walk through the trees on either side of the field. Hopefully then they could surround the enemy camp and catch them off guard as they slept.

Unfortunately, the Chin soldiers Xena was in charge of were trained to be unthinking swords that rode boldly into battle, not skilled hunters of men. The crystals of ice crunched under their feet as her army walked clumsily forward. The people of the Wei kingdom, as the people of Chin in Lao Ma's day, had become too proud to use military strategies such as sneaking around to gain the element of surprise. It had taken a lot of convincing on Xena's part to get her commander to agree on her advice. For good reason, too, as the army was ill equipped for such a strategy. Through the din of their clumsy shuffling feet Xena heard the bird call of an enemy lookout warning their foes of their presence.

"Charge!" Xena yelled. "lililililililili cheyah!" Xena took her chakram from her belt and flung it into the heavy white clouds that swirled on the frozen earth. She went smoothly into back handsprings and flips. Upon landing in the middle of her foes, Xena drew her sword and engaged ten of them at once with a furious grin on her face. She met foe after hapless foe with her blade, slicing left and right through thick leather armor and soft buttery flesh. As she spun around to slice off two heads at once she reached up and snatched her flying weapon out of the air. Holding the circle in the middle, she alternated sword for chakram, chakram for sword, leaving a trail of bodies behind her. Before she knew it she had cut through the Rouran and was facing her fellow troops on the other side.

She paused to look around. Both sides were fighting with equal passion, though some of their enemy was only half clothed in armor. So they _did _have a bit of surprise on their side. The bright armor of a Chin leader caught her eye as he went down, and she quickly came to his aid. After slicing the offender nearly in two she glanced down at the victim and was shocked to see none other than that man she had glimpsed so long ago. This time it was easy to blame the suddenness of this discovery for the ice-cold fire that leaped up in her chest. Once again, Xena did not know how to react. Luckily she only froze for a fraction of a second before the man broke eye contact, releasing her back into the fray. She left him immediately, unable to fully understand what she had just seen in that man's eyes, but instead simply wrestled into submission the urge to attack him. Her bloodlust must be out of control.

Xena fought the rest of the day without slowing, a fire in her soul that could paralyze the weaker of her foes with fear. The fog didn't last through the morning but Xena was so hyper focused on destruction that she barely realized when they won. Finally there came a time when there was no one left to fight, and Xena looked around at the other Wei soldiers. Covered in the blood of her foes, she raised her sword and shouted a long war cry that was joined by the rest of the victorious warriors.

Cleaned and watered and back at their own camp, the Zuut above her invited her into the commander's meeting tent for a meal of celebration. Having fought all day without a break, she was starving. Xena was surprised when she was given a place of honor several seats closer to the Aravt than her status would have normally allowed her. She did not question this, but sat down without a word. Maybe it had something to do with the absence of the Aravt, or whoever sat at the head of the table. She wondered where the strange man was. Half way through the meal she found out, as her item of interest sat at the Aravt's seat.

"I apologize for my delay, but I had a few issues to deal with," he said pompously. She recoiled, reminded of Caesar, but then, once more, he caught her eye. This time was different; instead of an icy chill, Xena was filled with something like warm honeyed milk that soothed her heart and made her yearn for more. He gave her a small smile then turned aside and engaged the man next to him in conversation.

Who on earth could this man be, to arouse such contradictory responses in her? All thoughts of hunger forgotten, Xena looked around for someone to ask the questions burning in her heart.

"Who is that man?" she asked a man to her right. They had previously discussed the day's battle earlier that night, so he was the most logical person to ask.

He responded to her question happily. "You mean Aravt Jianjun? I can't believe you've never hear of him!" The round-faced Zuut broke into uproarious laughter, blowing his stale alcoholic breath all over Xena's face.

"Thanks." she snarled.

"Wha- what for?" he asked, whipping away a tear from his eye.

"You answered my question, _Angshu_."

Angshu caught sight of the look on Xena's face through his tears and his laughter immediately subsided. "Sorry – hic – Junjie."

Xena turned to her other side, but he was engaged in a heated debate about the importance of Confucianism. She didn't even know what Confucianism was. Xena spent most of the rest of the meal in quiet meditation over her fruits and vegetables. She wasn't about to drag information out of anyone, she didn't want to seem too interested in Aravt Jianjun. She had finished her plate and was looking for an excuse to leave when the room quieted and the topic turned to war.

"We need to build another wall," Jianjun said loudly, "We must protect our farm land from these northern barbarians." There was a chorus of, hear hear! before it quieted down enough for Jianjun to continue.

"From the top of the Yellow river to the ocean, we must become invincible to attack!"

"You mean to say you will only build a wall in one straight line?" The room was suddenly quiet, and every eye was fixed on Xena. "It makes sense to build a wall in a circle around the city, but if you build one on the middle of nowhere it'll be too hard to man and our enemies will only go around it."

"No, the people of Chin have been doing this for centuries. It is the way to deal with barbarians. Besides, a fortified city can not produce its own food long enough to survive a siege." The man on Jianjun's right glared at her through his words.

"Then build a longer wall to encircle the nearby farm land as well as the city. But like I said, if the wall doesn't enclose anything, our enemy will simply go around it." Xena was exasperated. She had been one of the war lords who easily side stepped the great walls of Chin.

"Know your place, man!" the man bellowed, but Jianjun waved him down.

"What's your name?" the Aravt asked.

"Zhu Junjie." Xena responded.

"I see. Well, Junjie I will expect you at my tent at noon sharp tomorrow. I will deal with you then." He waved his hand in dismissal. Without a moments hesitation Xena stood and walked out of the tent. She was glad to finally escape the stuffy scent of alcohol, and intended to do her forms to work away her frustration with these close-minded fools. She went off into a secluded part of the woods and practiced her old moves, enriching them with her new Kung Fu. Once she had enough trial runs with the new moves she would determine which were most useful in a fight and integrate those with her old fighting style.

She couldn't believe how blinded these people were by their pride. Frankly, she had had it with them. She would satisfy her curiosity by touching the edge of Jianjun's soul with her own tomorrow, and if it proved to be a dead end, then she would wipe the dust off her feet and leave, simple as that.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

All night Xena laid on her soft furs, waiting restlessly for the morrow. All 400 years spent at the mercy of the four winds, the 2 years spent travelling around the East, the anguish and frustration spent looking and waiting for Gabrielle could come to a point the next day at noon. Time dragged on for eternities and still the night stretched out before her. Finally dawn broke, and she went hunting to pass the time. She brought home a deer, a large bird, and a rabbit, but still she had to wait. She did her forms, and she sweat away the time until finally, noon came.

The sun was at its highest when Xena's presence was announced at the Aravt's tent. Gaining admission, she drew aside the flap of the tent with the back of her hand.

The sun glowed through the gold fabric, covering every thing in a rich yellow light. Jianjun sat in the corner on a large soft chair. Xena had wondered about how best to touch him. He bowed and offered her a seat. She was surprised at the close proximity she had with him, but she took advantage of it. As they began discussing in depth the problems that building a wall would have, she grasped his shoulder as if to tell him something important. She reached through, just as Eli had told her she could, and felt his soul.

A flurry of images raced through her mind as she made contact with him. It was much different from the moment she shared with Vladimir. But he was just as familiar. _It was Gabrielle._ It had to be. The familiar essence of this man washed over her, and she was glad to be sitting down. She tried to take in the truth, hardly daring to believe. It was really Gabrielle. Xena's heart was racing a mile a minute. _Gabrielle_. Finally Xena would know, finally she could see for herself how her soul was doing in this life. So this must be the ultimate reason Eli sent her here. But then why were her initial reactions so violent? The violent responses worried her. Why had she wanted, if even for a split second, to attack Gabrielle's soul? Maybe it had just been an adrenaline rush, and her automatic response was to defend. It was her nature, after all. Or, maybe Eli had not wanted her to meet Gabrielle quite yet, not before she had done whatever task he wanted her to do. Suspicion and mistrust whirled around in her head as Xena tried to fathom the immensity of this discovery. _She had found Gabrielle._

He did not seem surprised at the sudden intimacy he felt with her. Xena tried to x-ray his soul through his eyes, and he simply smiled. Just like Gabrielle; a simple girl to most, but with an incredible depth. She had seen Gabrielle's soul as a warrior in a different life before, and this man was no different. Powerful, unbending. This man knew his purpose in life, just as Gabrielle had known that she belonged at Xena's side, fighting as her friend. Her _best _friend. Her soul mate. And now they were rejoined. But they couldn't be. Xena did not want to bring her darkness to Gabrielle's new life, and she especially didn't want to explain her betrayal and pseudo immortality to those deep knowing eyes. She snapped her arm back sharply and got up from her seat. Though she thought he must already have darkness in his life, as he was the leader of a great army. The well-dressed Aravt watched her as she crossed the room, his eyes still smiling.

"Why are you so afraid?" he asked.

"Afraid? No. I'm just ah… not used to being treated with so much respect by a superior, that's all." Xena forced herself to look him straight in the eye, but his smile grew wider.

"You're a woman." he said simply. Xena's heart raced as she caught herself, halting any reaction. She could take this man on, if it came to that. But an entire army surrounded her. Her brain immediately started churning, looking for a way out of this mess.

"It's ok. I could tell when you touched me. I have a gift with people. I will not hand you over to the guards though, you are much too valuable." That could mean so many things. She was still on her guard.

"How could _I_ be valuable to _you_?"

"You have a mind for war. We've been building walls for centuries now, but nobody has figured out their uselessness until now. We both see it for what it is."

"Yet you still want to build more?" Xena thought his pompousness was showing through again. She had liked her own Gabrielle much better, yet this man was drawing her in with his eyes. He filled her with a lustful hunger she hadn't felt in over 400 years.

Jianjun shrugged. "What can I say, it's good for morale. The Wei kingdom is filled with simple people, it doesn't take much to please them."

"Yeah. It only takes hundreds of thousands to build a useless wall." He ignored her interruption. He was pacing now.

"Xena, I am not so simple. I want more than just a constant struggle with raiders. I want you to be my advisor."

"Ares…?" Xena growled. But this didn't feel like Ares. Xena's senses were sharp, and she could almost see the little bard pacing the tent instead of this aggressive warrior.

"What?"

"You want to suck me deeper into this war? I want freedom, I want to leave. I am not meant to follow orders and kill somebody else's foe." She was thoroughly concvinced that only her presence and her watchful eye was needed in this army, her sword was only to be used to keep her there. Eli had made her soft.

"But you won't leave, because you know that this is your true calling, this is what you're good at. Junjie, you have the opportunity to save thousands of farmers from bandits who live off of what they steal from others. Besides, I know you won't leave… because you found me." Xena was caught off guard. She hadn't anticipated that Gabrielle would recognize _her._ What did this man know?

"What do you mean," she said, trying to sound exasperated, "What makes you think that you mean anything to me?"

"When you touched me. Things came to me; images, thoughts, smells. Our lives are intertwined Junjie, I know this and you can't tell me otherwise. I've spoken to you for mere seconds, but I think you have already captured my heart."

A tear formed in Xena's eye. This man was now sounding anxious, vulnerable, the way Gabrielle could always lay herself out there, completely letting Xena in. This ability to lay herself bare was one of Gabrielle's strengths.

"Tell me," Xena said cautiously, "What all did you see?"

"A lot of confusing images, some fighting, some very intimate." Xena blushed, but she pouted aggressively to cover it up.

"I saw myself doing strange stretches in a sunny gold field with you, being protected by you from many men with swords as I lay helpless and dying, a lot of other fighting, where I was fighting by your side, and- other things." Now it was his turn to blush. It seemed to Xena that he had seen what she had seen when they had connected. "Junjie I know we have fought together before, let's fight together again! It is what we've been made for, to fight side by side until we collapse onto our furs with exhaustion. Xena, Lets ride into battle-"

"Where did you hear that name?" she said sharply

"-once more!" he finished, his eyebrows shooting up. "I don- I don't know, it just came out." Xena was weeping openly now, and she let her tears fall without shame. She was so close to believing, to accepting that this was Gabrielle.

"Jianjun, do you really- are you sure this is the path you want to take? One of war?" Eli had been training her to keep her will in check, to hold her tongue, to humble herself and know when not to fight. Why the sudden 180?

"Xena, I know you are trying to keep a low profile here, but things can be arranged so that it can stay that way. Besides, I think it was already decided, this is our destiny. Xena, be my champion once more."

Every time her name was spoken it dug deep and stirred her heart, but Xena still wasn't sure if she was completely convinced. It occurred to Xena that Gabrielle, that is, Jianjun was taking the discovery of his 'soul mate' rather well. A bit too well. She eyed him suspiciously. She didn't want to be taken in. What if this was just Ares trying to make her his princess once more… was he capable of duplicating Gabrielle's soul? Or, had Ares trapped Gabrielle's soul and was now using it to bait her?

As if reading her mind, Jianjun spoke quickly, "I've been forewarned that I would meet someone like you before. I visited the best monk of Confucianism around." It was the second time this man had directly addressed something she was in the middle of thinking about. It made the hairs on the back of her neck prickle.

"And what _is_ Confucianism, anyway?" She was afraid Gabrielle had gotten into the spiritual dark arts in this life. That would explain the mind-reading. Then again Gabrielle had developed a knack for reading Xena's impassive face. Had that ability been drawn out of the past along with their shared visions?

"It is about training your mind to be above matter, silencing your will and the will of the world so that you may triumph over the things of this earth. Some monks can even control things with their mind."

"Sounds like a version of Lao Ma, I mean, Lao Tzu's book of wisdom." Jianjun's eyes grew wide.

"Yes! That is our holy book! How did you-?"

"Long story. So let's cut to the chase. You want to live a life of war. Isn't there more to life than that?" She needed to be sure her presence wouldn't be a curse like in Gabrielle's last life with her.

"Yes." Jianjun said, stepping closer to Xena, "There is you to share it with." As soft as butterfly wings, he brushed the side of her mouth with his lips.

Xena was overwhelmed. She just stood there, trying to take it all in. This was a Gabrielle she had not expected, and just finding her again was enough to make her heart pound in her ears. Then, without conscious thought, Xena leaned down and pressed her lips to his. It was over. There was no more struggle left within her. She accepted Gabrielle completely, taking in the new roughness and loving everything about her. Loving everything about Jianjun.

This was it, this was her soul mate. She sank her soul into his and they became one, separating and rejoining they rolled around on his furs and rich blankets until their love was satisfied beyond exhaustion. Then they slept, Jianjun curled awkwardly in the hollow of Xena's body as she slept on her side.

And for the first time, Xena dreamed. Her dreams were as filled with memories of Gabrielle as they were filled with violence and pain. She wondered as she watched her past played out in front of her, why weren't her dreams more happy? She had found Gabrielle, and wanted nothing more than to fulfill her every wish, yet her newly found sleep was filled with her past life, and she was lost in the memories of who Gabrielle had been.

When she awoke, she tried to cling to the last strands of dream that slipped out of her head. She lay there confused, remembering something that had been forgotten as soon as her eyes flicked open. All she could feel was a vague yearning for Gabrielle's love and purity. Brushing it aside, she snuggled close to Gabrielle's rougher form. She would be happy with whatever the fates gave her, as long as it was her beloved Gabrielle.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Good, Jianjun! Here, now come at me like _this!_" Xena came at the short man with a series of complex movements, making him step back quickly to get out of her way.

"Alright. Like this?" He mirrored her movements, adding an extra few at the end, which forced Xena to flip backwards, out of harm's way. He smiled at her cheekily.

"Very good," she admitted, returning his grin and going on the offensive. She fought him back, blow for blow, until, she finally flipped over him, engaging his sword halfway over and disarming him by the time she hit the ground. Jianjun scowled and went to retrieve his sword.

"I'll get the best of you someday." He picked up his sword and swung it idly at her, and she caught it with her own. She stepped closer, muscling their swords close to Jianjun's chest, finding delight in the effort of his concentration against her.

"You do have the best of me, Jianjun. You have all of me." She kissed him over their blades. When she drew back he stared at her with doey eyes and a ridiculous grin on his face. She forced her sword, sending him flying back with the strength of her blade.

"Ooo you're nasty!" he said, making a face. Xena grinned evilly.

"Come on, let's see how nasty I can get."

They fought until Jianjun surrendered, exhausted.

Xena smiled at him. "Great workout, Gabrielle. I mean- Jianjun…"

He shrugged.

Xena went over and wrapped her arm around him, kissing him on the head.

"Am I really like Gabrielle?" he asked, craning his neck to look into her eyes.

"Yes, you are." She smiled. "You've got her fire, her intelligence, her strength… her beauty."

Jianjun blushed furiously. "I think 'handsome' is the word you are looking for." He paused. "But you didn't believe it at first. That it was really me."

"Yes well, I was just afraid that it was too good to be true."

"Which it isn't."

"Jianjun, let's talk." Xena pushed him gently down into a sitting position, then sat on her feet in front of him. Jianjun was still a little flustered at being called 'beautiful,' but caught on to the serious note in Xena's voice and frowned.

Without prompt, Xena dove into what she had to say.

"It's about your past life with me. I turned you into a warrior, I taught you things and put you in situations I never should have, but I couldn't part with you, no matter how hard it was to see you suffer. Until one day. After about 6 years of travel together, I made a huge mistake. I left you. I died, and it was my choice to die. I left you alone to fight a man that ordinarily would have never matched your skill, yet you were in such grief you lost the battle, and died. I have been trying to return to your side ever since, wanting only to guard and protect you, as I had promised I would. I have failed you, and I have failed myself." She paused; forcing herself to stare into those deep brown eyes, round with the information he had just received.

"How do you remember such details of our past life together?"

"Because I lived through them, I have lived through 400 years of painful time, before finally finding you again."

"How?" Jianjun looked stunned and bewildered, but Xena also sensed a greediness in him as he drank up her every word.

"Something happened to me which anchored my soul to this earth. My body can die, but I cannot pass on into any afterlife or into the karmic cycle. I'm stuck." Jianjun let out a long breath of air and looked at the ground. He started tearing tufts of grass out of the hard dirt and throwing them away. Xena placed two fingers under his chin and turned his face up toward her. "But now I have found you. Every life that you are born into I will find you, and we will be together. You have changed during our time together. Every day you seem more and more like Gabrielle to me. I think that is a wonderful thing, and as hard as it is to believe it, I think I may be a good influence on you."

Jianjun smiled, a bit embarrassed, and went back to the original subject. "So how did you get a body?"

"A um, god gave it to me." She didn't want to explain that it had been a pity gift. It still didn't sit right with her that she had had to ask for help.

"I'll bet… I bet we could take it further." Jianjun was looking at her greedily again.

"How?"

"I uh, have a Shaman friend?" He wrinkled his nose, bracing himself for her response. All she did was raise an eyebrow and push out her lips.

"You're so cute when you pout."

"I don't pout." She said forcefully.

"Do too."

"Gabrielle had a lot more tact than you do."

"No she didn't."

"How would you know?"

Jianjun winced. "Just a guess. Listen, Xena this could be our big break. If you can move outside of your body then we could destroy our enemy's leaders and avoid any more bloodshed."

"OK." Xena said simply.

_Sorry for not updating for a while, I got writer's block… I will force myself through it though, and will continue to write when I can._

_Also, I've been emerged in other fan fic stories… there are some really great ones out there._


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

They were sharing a bed just about every night. Jianjun's tent was more luxurious than sleeping under the stars, but Xena did miss her and Gabrielle's arguments about the constellations. What was more, together she and Jianjun made an unstoppable team. Xena had been put in charge of one hundred thousand men of the highest skill who followed Xena wherever she and Jianjun went. Through Jianjun, she had great influence on the overall strategies of the Wei kingdom army. Every night they would have intense discussions on strategies and training. Jianjun learned a lot from Xena, and slowly he was starting to think like her. Slowly, he was even starting to fight like her. And now, they might even develop a secret weapon with the help of a Shaman.

Xena couldn't be happier. She would have moods, though. She continued to dream of her past whenever she slept next to her new old lover, and sometimes the memories would deeply disturb her. When the Aravt would finally awake in her arms, she would try to confess them.

"Jianjun, there are things that you should know about my past and the past we shared together. I've done terrible things, made terrible mistakes-"

"Xena," she shivered at the name he only called her in private, "you have been nothing but a blessing to me since we found each other. Again, I mean. There is no point in exacerbating problems we had in a life I don't even remember. Whatever you did, I love you anyway. Telling me things that would only make you relive the pain is pointless. Whatever went wrong, I forgive you."

"But I've hurt you, I might hurt you again…"

"Xena, I don't think you are capable of hurting me on purpose. Even if you do me wrong accidentally, how could we plan for that?"

"Well-"

"Xena. Drop it."

"Ok."

Xena realized that Gabrielle's new form could sooth her inner demons better than even Eli could. Suddenly Xena realized that this was the first time she had spared a thought for Eli since explaining to Jianjun how she had gotten a body, and that was at least two and a half moons ago. Why, she hadn't seen Eli's scroll since around the time she had found Gabrielle's soul. It didn't matter now that she had the living, breathing Gabrielle to fill up the void in her chest.

Xena was becoming a fierce force behind the Wei kingdom's armies. They swept through their enemy like a swarm of locusts, devouring any nomad they came upon. In Xena's strategy, a living enemy could only become a dead enemy. Jianjun had to stop her a couple times from chasing after their retreating foes, determined as she was to finish them off. She became brutal with her war prisoners, often executing them just so that she wouldn't have to spare the man power to escort them to the nearest prison. She even treated her own troops inhumanely at times, giving them smaller rations so that she could afford complicated new weaponry. The lust for power was eating her up, but she refused to allow herself a thought for taking over the army from Jianjun. This was his war, but even Jianjun, who had the soul of the soft, gentle Gabrielle, was often harsh and cruel. With Xena he was soft and loving, but his strategies often revealed a coarser side, such as when he would forcibly take supplies from his own countrymen, even if it was essential for survival. On the field the two shared their lust for battle, and on still nights they would share their lust for each other. They fed off each other, together creating a powerful force that drove their armies from one victory to the next. They were unstoppable.

Her victories however did not sooth the thirst for more power, the hunger that Jianjun had started within her when he had mentioned that she may be able to move outside her body, just as a spirit. She thought of it every night as she slipped into sleep beside her lover. Xena had decided that Jianjun had probably forgotten his suggestion and had determined to bring it up with him again when he came back with shaman's robes and a live deer that he quickly hid in the horse stables. Apparently he had finally found a way.

That night the two of them slipped out into the horse's tent, dismissing the guard as the entered. The deer was a young buck with budding horns and fearful eyes. First, they made a large fire in the center of the tent. Jianjun pulled some dried plants and some powder out of a pouch and threw it on the fire, giving the rapidly warming tent a thick haze of smoke. Jianjun instructed Xena to take off her cloths as he dressed himself in the shaman's robes. Once he was clothed he beckoned Xena closer. Taking a pot of black ink he decorated her body with symbols, using a fibrous plant as a brush. When he had finished he put the pot aside and began a slow chant. Xena danced slowly around him and the fire, becoming slightly intoxicated by the fumes. Jianjun went on and on, and Xena guessed that he was slowly getting faster. The tent began to spin along with her dance, and a dizziness pulled at her senses. Finally he jumped to his feet, shaking his whole body in a fit of rage. Jianjun reached into his boot, drew a long knife and flung it across the fire with one fluid movement. Xena tensed into a cat position as it flew over her head where she had just been dancing, burying itself in the proud chest of the young buck. Jianjun let out a terrifying scream as the buck jumped frantically this way and that, spraying blood everywhere as it tried to break it's bond to the main support of the tent. The canvas swayed and shuddered violently as the buck dropped to its knees at the end of his rope, then collapsed on the floor. Jianjun lifted its head and placed a bowl beneath the wound, baring his teeth wickedly at the creature as its eyes glazed over, turning the jet black into an empty dull grey.

Jianjun thrust his hands into the bowl and spread the sticky crimson blood over the ink symbols that had dried into Xena's skin. Then, with a fire in his eye, he lifted the blood to his lips and drank deeply. Xena shuddered, remembering its intoxicating effect. When he had drained the bowl his eyes rolled backwards and he collapsed on the floor. Xena immediately dropped to her knees at his side. She lowered her cheek to his mouth, and after a full minute she sobbed with the realization that he was not breathing.

She heard a gasp behind her and spun around onto her feet to see a soldier gaping stupidly at the scene before him.

"A woman!" he managed, "She's killed him!" he shouted.

Without thinking, Xena flipped over the fire and grabbed hold of the soldier's head, twisting it sharply until she heard a 'crack!' from his spine. The dull thud as the soldier's body hit the floor was accompanied by a familiar shout of triumph. Xena spun and saw a horrid sight before her. Hovering above Jianjun's body was a terrible spirit with his exact likeness. It's face cracked in an evil grin.

"Get away from him!" Xena shouted, looking about for her sword. It jetted forward and she had to dive out of the way. Picking up her sword she swung it at Jianjun's doppelganger, who merely laughed again.

"You think your little toy is going to stop me from finishing you off?"

"You killed him! You're going to have to pay for that!" She swung again, this time lunging straight toward the spirit, but it let out a wave of energy that lifted Xena into the air and flung her back, where she landed hard on the floor, knocking the wind out of her. Gasping for air, she struggled to get up, glaring at her attacker.

"I am a demon of darkness, you cannot oppose me!"

_Well I know an angel of light, _she thought. "Eli!"

As soon as she had spoken the name, a new strength filled her. Her skin glowed and she floated to her feet, her hair whipping backwards off her face. The demon cackled and jetted towards her again, but she put out her hand to stop it, and upon impact the spirit was blasted away, spinning head over heels through the tent walls and into the night.

"Run!" something whispered in her ear. She nodded and followed the advice, but not before throwing on a large shirt and gathering Jianjun into her arms. Heaving the corps onto the back of a horse, she leaped on behind it and urged the horse into a full-out gallop. She left the camp with the body of her soul mate rocking back and forth smoothly with the movement of the running horse. She couldn't bring herself to look at it, so she simply rode on into the night, her tears mixing with the soft drizzle of a light spring rain.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Xena awoke. Where was she? Slowly the pain seeped back into her as memories swirled out of the fog. She put off the returning reality, trying to grasp on the last fleeting images of a Gabrielle of another life. Gabrielle in this life was gone. She sobbed into the earth. She was face down in the mud. Why had she been dreaming? She never dreamed before without the presence of her lover.

She forced herself up with weakened limbs. She had ridden her horse until it had collapsed on the ground, and as her world drifted further away from her, she had lost consciousness somewhere in the water that had flung itself furiously from the sky.

Xena looked around. No horse. No Jianjun.

"Shit!" she hissed through her teeth. She turned in circles, looking for tracks. There wasn't a sign of any kind of disturbance, not even the coming and going of small rodents. It was if the place had been wiped clean.

"Eli!" she growled. Obediently, he appeared looking distraught.

"Where is he?" She demanded.

A single tear slipped from his eye. "He went back, Xena."

"Back? Back where?" She would follow him to whatever afterlife it was this time, she'd pull him out of its depths and cover him with tears and kisses. Xena let out another sob, deep and desperate.

Eli shook his head. "Back to the army camp, where you just left three days ago."

"They've captured his body?" Xena said stupidly, but the meaning of his words was creeping in despite her immediate rejection of the possibility.

"No... Xena-" She had crumpled to the ground; on her knees in slick earth she ground the mud into her face and wailed an unearthly cry. What he was saying, it couldn't be true.

Blinking away her tears she looked up. "No." She stood. "I wont believe it, not until I see it." Eli looked at her blue eyes, full of that white fire that kept the warrior going, even when she found herself floundering in a sea of agony. He studied her for a moment, then nodded.

"The faster the better, the longer you wait the less likely they will still fear you."

"I will pause for nothing." She spat then turned, to find a majestic white horse pressing itself through the trees. She turned back to Eli, stone faced.

"Thank you."

Eli nodded, stepping forward. He ran his finger along her mustache disguise and made a sign on her forehead.

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

"They will soar high on wings like eagles.

"They will run and not grow weary

"They will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

She blinked, and in that second she felt the weight of a full suit of leather armor heavy on her body. Eli nodded again.

Xena flipped up and over, twisting herself around at the last second to land perfectly in the glistening saddle. She looked terrifying. Mud and masculinity gone, she was now an erect female warrior full of desperate determination, radiating the power of Eli's blessing. The horse reared as she turned him sharply, looking back only once to see that Eli had disappeared.

She rode hard for two full days and nights, neither she nor the horse ever slowing or showing even a glimmer of fatigue. When she finally steered the horse into the army camp, the footmen scattered out of her way, and someone raised the alarm. She cast her eyes about the scattering men, afraid of what she might find.

Then, she saw it. Her worst fear come alive, Jianjun came out of his tent, eyebrows pressed together and jaw set. Xena held up her hand. She couldn't cry now, so her anger took over. She knew it to be true. Jianjun had never died, or at least his spirit hadn't been forced to go on to another fate. Somehow, he had used Xena's cursed attachment to this earth to power his own type of immortality, an ability to heal his own body of wounds as well as age, and even, as his presence now protested, to heal himself back from the dead. It was a sickening thought. This, clearly, was not Gabrielle. She'd been had.

Jianjun stopped dead in his tracks at her signal, clearly afraid to come any closer. Instead he turned to the soldiers that were gathering around him, as if for protection.

"What are you waiting for? It's an intruder! Attack!"

The men shuffled nervously into an offensive formation and slowly began to approach Xena.

"Have you forgotten your High Zuut so quickly, Aravt? I am no intruder, but Junjie, your champion!" Immediately the soldiers stopped and looked at each other. Another Aravt had appeared out of his tent, and was studying Xena closely. "You shouldn't have let a mustache fool you so well, Aravt Jianjun."

"You are aware, I'm sure, that it is against our law to allow women to join the army?" The other Aravt called out. Slowly, Xena turned to him.

"Are you complaining?" She asked in her husky, low voice. She raised an eyebrow.

There was a long moment of silence during which all eyes were riveted to Xena's impressive presence. All eyes except Jianjun, who was staring angrily at the other Aravt.

"You cannot possibly allow this _woman_ to escape judgment! She deserted us!"

"That's not entirely true." Xena's head had already spun into action, forming her story against Jianjun. "I chased after your potential murderer, Jianjun."

"Impossible!" He roared, "I was never in danger!" Xena raised an eyebrow. "At least not this time." He corrected.

"Uh-huh. Well, I beg to differ. Anyone notice Jianjun's own leave of absence? I followed him, to save him from himself. If I hadn't interfered, he would have taken his own life."

"You lying bitch!" He screamed. Xena shrugged. It was close enough to the truth.

"Silence!" The other Aravt cut in. Jianjun slowly closed his mouth, which had been open to let in puffs of furious breaths. Xena smiled coolly.

The Aravt continued, "I think she has served this army well enough to deserve a respectful discharge. Even discounting this alleged suicide attempt, she has saved your neck many times on the battlefield, Jianjun. I have seen it. I say we let the Emperor decide."

Xena smirked wickedly at Jianjun, and slowly he forced himself to nod. She let out an evil snicker as he turned on his heel and flung himself back into his tent. She hated everything about him. The loathing boiled inside her, the foam nearly spilling out; but she kept her face cool.

"I guess I will be on my way then."

"I- think I need to send you with some men, just to make sure-"

"Oh I think I'll find the Emperor just fine on my own thanks."

Spotting her old horse Joxer tied to a pole, she untangled his tack and pulled him alongside her as she rode out of the camp, hearing behind her the desperate instructions of the Aravt as he tried to maintain authority.

"Follow her! She must be brought to the Emperor!" –a muddled jumble of soldiers arguing in undertones- "Alright then just follow behind her and report back to me! Insolent cowards."

Xena smirked as she pointed her horse in the direction of the capitol.


End file.
